Yep, I sure do!
Do you ever have those awkward moments of waking up from the dog whining, take her out, get online and start posting non stop on fb about how May is brain cancer awareness month and how important it is for you to support this cause even if today it doesn't apply to you exactly, for all those fighting this disease, you don't walk into walmart or any other store and buy gray products for brain cancer research WHY THE HELL NOT btw? It sucks! Gray and brains are scary who would support that, not people into getting rich off of cancer nope not them people! And then the awkward moment comes why I've realize 2 hours have passes by, and now onto looking at people's profiles that use to be in my life or in my family and they aren't anymore for no reason NO reason. No reason at all. I used to have 2 half sisters and let me tell you it kills me that I don't know them anymore. It f'n kills me. I don't understand it. They are ten years younger than me and when our dad got well stopped hanging out they went with him although they live a million miles away in OR they don't speak to me at all or my daughter even when Ben got DX with brain cancer did they not speak one word. So how could they be so cold to me? I was there for them when they were little and their mom left them all. I helped my dad so much. They pretty much suck ass! How they can just not talk to me. I need my family. Well I guess I've lived these past I don't know 3-4 years or more without them so I guess I don't need them. It would be nice if they cared to see how I was doing so I could see how they were doing, I've tried reaching out only to be burned, ignored, etc. It's not fair, put it on the list of why I wonder I was even born sometimes. Why am I here?
The family I've dreamt of my whole life and dwindled down so much. Maybe it is my fault I don't know. I am very passionate I wear my heart on my sleeve I have tons more cliche' sayings to justify my behavior hang on! But seriously I try to be me, honest, and open and let's work it out and let's get it all out, like it or not this is me. I love them for who they are whether they are close to my dad who I do not like very much...or not. I don't judge them for kissing his ass...for money. OH did I say that? ahhaha it's true :)I don't need him, I have never had him, for maybe 3 years out of 33 he was a good dad, that just isn't enough consistancy for me. He treated us all so different. I was his past mistake, a reminder of all that is evil in the world,my mother, which they were divorced when I was 3 so it's not like he took time to know her much, and he was a drunk...so yeah blame my mom! sigh, god I guess I have some issues to work out.
So the awkward moment is when you are looking at pictures of people you used to be related to.
Oh and May is Brain Cancer Awareness Month
May 1st is Ben's MRI
May 16th is Ben's 34th bday
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