The more I vent the more I am sad.  THis is not normal for me. I normally feel relieved.  The more I watched how cancer destroys peoples lives the more sad I am.  What is Ben feeling?  He doesn't tell me.  He acts like everything is ok.  I know me being sad is kiling him, which makes me feel tremendous guilt!  I want to kick my own ass.  Have I become this pitymecuzmy husband has cancer person?  I am not sure if I feel sorry for myself or I'm just so sad becauseof our situation.  Young adult survivors talk about moving on alot.  That they do have hope after losing it.  What does it mean for Ben?  We have a bc friend in the hospital now with her husband who just came out of surgery and he might now be paralyzed, hopefully not but as of lastnight he couldn't feel his left side.  With Ben after surgery that could have happened to him but it didn't.  Brain cancer.  sigh...if  you haven't been in it why would you know anything about it.  We are in it and still don't know alot.  You know just enough, the rest is unknown and scary.  It's all scary.  I love Ben and I hate he is going through this.  why him?  He's such a good person he's so good, such a big heart.  Evil people walk around doing evil and being hateful and hurtful and hurting people...and they will live forever.  I guess that's what I'm most sad about, waiting for that othe shoe to drop, preparing for the worst.  What would be worse, Ben losing his mind, or becoming totally disabled or him dying and I would lose him forever.  Those are my fears.  Watching him suffer and not being able to stop it.  It's the worst feeling in the world, it's the scariest feeling I've ever felt.  To feel like Ben will just die in front of me, or when he sleeps in that he isn't sleeping at all.  That happens whether I chose to think positivly or not.  It just happens. I hear a sound and am worried he is going to start having seizures again.  He loses his temper and I am reminded at  how much he's change and how he never was mean or yelling.  Especially at our daughter.  He feels badly too, but he sometimes feels like he cannot control his anger.  That's his emotions numb or anger.  :/  Very rarely do I witness happiness, or anything else.  He has been singing alot lately, not like Ben...he loves music we both do one thing we have in common.  He's been listening to the old stations and made the point that happy music makes him feel happy, so staying away from Blood for Blood hate the world music is helpful.  I thought that was a great thought to have!  :)  I think him hearing how people move on with cancer or after cancer DX/treatment I think it would do him some good. I'm checking out something online now.  He's almost old at 33 as a young adult survivor, we don't fit in much of anywhere.  :/ 

Life will never be the same, and I agree with Ben I have to start accepting it.  I have to.  :'(