I remember this day...we were getting ready for our daily trip to radiation...aww Ben why, why do you have to have brain cancer? What life lesson are we learning? What does it all mean? Why couldn't just this one thing our marriage our family be hurt free? You think when you are little and so much is out of your control that when you grow up and if you are lucky enough to find someone to love and for them to love you back that maybe just maybe we can be happy, it didn't matter that we went through horribly bad times or so we thought, it's been a non ending pile of crap with a few good times smattered here and there. But we still go on like this huge black cloud isn't hanging above our heads. Cuz we have to.
I need a cancer free day, in fact I declare we all need one cancer free day. What does that consist of? Mostly NO C words or talk or anything related to thereof. Please One cancer free day, what would that be like?
So many people I know are being ripped apart from cancer, particularly brain cancer. It affects people in so many different ways. A marriage, a family, friendships, all of it can be lost due to so much. We can't stop it, we can't control it, so what do we do? We are human. So your husband isn't as nice as he once was or he is so short and acts like he doesn't want to be around your kids or shuts off completely from your life and what is once was or he wants to be normal again so bad can't understand why you can't just forget it all and move on or scared of dying and leaving you alone or sad because he sees how sad you are or physically sick because of the 11 pills you have to take or so tired because maybe your brain is fighting so hard it can't keep up anymore or the pills side effects are making you tired or the radiation that they did to your brain is still affecting everything or that damn cancer is growing and taking over...we are still human. I'm scared and angry and sad and confused and lost and it's abundantly clear that I will not have any answers anytime soon. FRIG! That's life. Bad things happen bad things happen to good people the good die young That's life.
Why Ben? That will be the name of my book! Why Ben? Why not? I guess lots of people have struggled through cancer, a friend of a friend and their husband this and that, horrible surgeries, horrible pain fear, denial...I've known too much...like most treatment hmmm treatment you mean poison that kills cancer, kills people too. :/ It's real life. People hope for this to be that magic to take away all the pain. But it's all luck...will your body take it or reject it? How long will your body hold out, if it does hold out what will you be put through or your family and the ones that love you?
How much will Ben go through? How long will he suffer? How long will he be scared? How long? Will he lose his mind? Or will he start having seizures again, can I go through that again? I was so scared. Watching him have seizures was either 30 seconds or shorter or longer and everytime I thought will he come back to me? Will he die? Is this it? Is this it? Is this it? Why Ben? Why me? Why Willow? Why Ben's mom? Why us? Someone please tell me! You can be perfect a perfect human being, healthy, be a good person, be honest and loyal, be strong and mindful, you can wake up with cancer. It can happen to you too. It could happen and probably will to me? Will I get sick too? What would happen if Willow's parents die before she's ready to say goodbye to them? Who will she have? Who will take care and watch over her? I can't get sick, I can't. I still am so depressed to get more healthy, full well knowing being healthy isn''t going to stop cancer. It won't so why do I care? Cuz my heart or my mind might be gone too...sigh.
Like I said I need a cancer free day. No c word tomorrow moving onward and upward. Have to.
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