unraveling

Unraveling

I woke up TOO early again this morning. Nothing good comes from me losing sleep.  I began looking people up on fb.  Remember those easy times when you just drove around stalking people, now it's easier and cheaper online.  haha  so I look up people that don't exist in my life.  When we moved almost 3 years ago to this small town 30 minutes from everyone we know, there were a long list of reasons for that move.  I cannot believe how small the world is.  Let's just pretend that life doesn't suck and people stay away when they know they aren't wanted! hahaha I have no clue but I definitely feel like most of the time the forces of the world hate me, yes me specifically and don't want me around anymore or want me around but completely miserable.  I'm fighting every time I open my eyes to not want to shut them.  The only time I have peace is when I'm sleep!  That's why I like it so much. 

When I got done writing on here yesterday, I read this messege I had on here...I don't use this much so I was like oh wow yeah wonder how that girl is doing? So went to her blog to read her posts and she passed away last month.  :(  She was one of the first people I found with brain cancer I had read alot of her posts and blogs and followed her story a bit.  She had responded to me with such kindness and sure she'd talk about the hardest thing in her life with me...whatever whenever.  And now she's gone. 

Another girl I met through a local fundraiser passed away a few months ago, and sadly her friend that she talked to me about because he's the same age as Ben thought they might hit it off, is on hospice now. 

I'm reminded that brain cancer can take Ben whenever it wants to.  It doesn't matter what he does, eats, anything it will take him when it wants to.  We have NO control.  so I lost it a bit.  I cried to ben (GUILT)  I'm one of those people who make the cancer patient feel like he's responsible for my well being.  I just don't know who to talk to.  I can't cry and let go in front of anyone I know.  What will they think?  I am automatically judged, cuz they think they know what they would do if they were in my shoes.  Like appreciate time together while you have it.  Well I'm pissed that I have to worry about the time we have together. I never thought for one second I wouldn't grow old with Ben. We've talked about it since we met.  We've had so much shit thrown at us and we are still standing beaten and bruised but still here pushing through the days like giant obstacles. We are gladiators for sure!  ahahha

so I'm upset over a 100 different things right now.  :( and NO one to talk to about it. they'd think I was crazy. 

do those big families and supporters truly exist or is it just in the movies?  Like people that want to take the pain away for you.  Surround you and bug you and love you.  I don't feel it.  I have always fantasized about a family life.  big family, dinners, get togethers, always together, kids friends together, bff with your brother and sisters, your parents want to hang out and spend time with your kid, us having a huge family of our own...I wanted 5 kids, then 3, I would have taken 2...but I have one that I adore don't get me wrong.  She's awesome and now that Ben is sick, I can reflect a bit and think well one is better.  Only one kid has to hurt so much.  Only one kid has to see her dad die. 

:( 

Willow mentioned one time that she didn't want to turn Ten because her grandpa died when her dad wad ten.  That is truly some crazy shit right there.  Then she has me worried about it.  We've joked/been serious bout this family being cursed.  do you believe in curses?  Is it real? could be.  Why do some families struggle and fight and go through hell and others sail through life and not ever dealing with the hard stuff. I know it always isn't what it seems but seriously there are people out there that have no idea what pain is.  And suffering.  And just plain ol depression. 

I've known it my whole life.