I wish I could say that I get it, I appreciate my life. Yesterday I miss my old life, today I hate my new life. That's what I really meant to say. I'm shitty at faking it as well. I suck at it pretty bad. I'm always snapping and screaming, who is this person I've become? I'm so unhappy and mad and angry and done done done. YES for crap sake it could always be worse. But it is pretty shitty right now. I'm exhausted with my positive mask. It does me NO good to focus on the good cuz it's such a huge reminder of what I hate about life. Do people normally think several times a week that they must of been a mistake? I have no reason to be here. I have no one. No one really. People say that I'm not alone, but I sure feel alone. I'm tired of putting myself out there only to feel so isolated and judged. I have to force myself to not care. That's exhausting in itself. I am such an angry bitter human being. Why? WHY? I get mad at my husband for normal wife/husband things he's always done that drive me nuts. THEN comes the guilt how dare I, with him having cancer how dare I? Than the guilt of letting the little things get to me. For instance. I got so mad this morning. Willow our daughter wanted to go to yard sales. I know we don't have the money, Ben wanted to go he had already lost his temper and went off on her, which upset me, cuz he acts like he hates his own daughter that btw he never spends time with ever, so it's not like me losing it because we've spent an entire day together and she's crabby and being mean to me. It's she's a kid, loud, annoying sometimes, but he truly shows her how much he hates it all. So I was pissed at that and didn't really want him to come because he's so crabby all the time. (guilt) So we go, well low and behold no one grabbed the paper so we didn't have an address. I'm like reminded at how if I don't do things they don't happen. Tired of that as well. If I don't take care of anything it just doesn't happen? WTH when did that become the truth. THEN off I go driving around this small town, no signs but one. But Ben couldn't get a good look at it so I drove back to the sign, he insisted on reading. I'm like it doesn't matter what that signs says because we do not know where that st is!!!!!! I was so mad! So I drove off. Then we stop at this park so the dog can get out of the car...not after a huge blowout because other things...like him expecting me to read his mind or to hear him mumbling. It's crazy. I'm exhausted! And he's constantly telling me things, I feel llike he's talking down to me. Which I know he's smart but come on, really? I'm not an idiot, give me some friggin credit. He acts like what I don't do that. Umm yeah ya do! sigh! guilt for being mad kicks in...If he's with us, he complains about how he feels or this and that. But he goes out with his friends under way worse condtions..??? It's only us he can't stand to be with, and honestly people aren't lining up at the door to visit. We live 30 minutes from everyone we know, and he hasn't made any new friends out here. But I can count on one hand how many visits he gets in a month under a few. But he doesn't want anything to do with me. Is it because I'm miserable? Am I a miserable person? I try soooo hard not to be but I bust at the seams sometimes and it's on. I try not to fight, but my temper shoots through the roof and I just yell and scream and cuss. Somedays I just want to get a baseball bat and just hit the shit out of something. For real. I think about it all the time. Last year I was put on BP medicine after having severe migraines and vertigo. I think Ben hoped I had brain cancer too so he wasn't alone. I was scared but the pills have helped, but I know some days my BP is so far gone! It reminds me of my mother who I lived my entire life getting screamed at and taking it all. I'm now that for my daughter. Sadly. Guilt again. I on the other hand do have good times with her too to make up. We are so much alike though. lol sadly :( and goodly :) hahaha So now dinner is done, everyone goes to their hideouts for the night, normal. WTH is that anymore? If I don't say hey you wanna do this or that nothing or noone asks me to do a damn thing with them. When I get upset cuz Ben and I 's relationship has dwindled he is like well I want to go fishing with ya. LOL Um ok yep, knowing I don't fish or like to fish, I've gone a milliion times and have NEVER liked it! I love being outside and taking photographs or reading or picnicing. I don't know. I want to be like we don't know how much "good time" we have together I should make the best of this. But I'm not that way. I want more than just me kissing his ass. I've been doing that for a long time and at my age, I want more. so I'm doing more for myself, but I know deep down, I'm not happy and things aren't going to change until I am. Some times I feel like I can do this. Others I want to give up and run and hide. I wish Ben was mean or would kick me out of his house and hate me...it would be easier. I don't want to lose everything I have we've worked so hard to build our life together, but I don't have much fight in me anymore. I am teetering on not having an f'n clue what to do. I don't think anyone can help me. I am not open to it anyway. I need to start painting again. I dont' drink or smoke...or relieve stress much. I want to do more outside and exercise. I'd love to be physically healthy...I've given up on me so much.
Today, my mom's client passed away. She's a caregiver. The lady was younger than my mom and mostly had pain issues, but wasn't unhealthy. She had basically given up on herself years ago years ago! She was adicted to pain meds. And they killed her. They destroyed her body. Sadly now my mom lost a friend and her full time job. I am scared for her and hope she can find a new job so she doesn't have to move into a crap subsidized apts. They are awful...she lived there before. :( A prime example of someone who gave up on themselves and life.
I'm not strong mentally. If I didn't have Willow I'd be so far gone right now. :/ She is my saving grace. Ben inspires me, his strength, but he isn't strong, he hides he stuffs it down...it's so surreal. I'm so tired of thinking of cancer or how Ben is feeling or what is going to happen next, I'm so tired of worrying about it all. I am burnt out. I need a break from cancer awareness and adovacacy...terrible I know but while it's now a passion it's so exhausting THIs is my life not jsut words I say or type. If you haven't walked down this f'n cancer road you have NO idea. I'm 33 and I have no future. I used to daydream or wish or look forward to my older ages. Now I see blackness, emptiness, space. If I want to make a goal it gets smooshed or destroyed by reality. That is my life. I'm being more honest here than I can be in life. Who would I say this too that wouldn't judge me down to an inch. Yes I'm horrible. I'm not a saint. I hate my life now. I hate it. I have to force myself to take this on, like a kid eatting veggies. I hate it, it's good for me to push through the hard stuff even though all I want to do is give up. Ben has said very few things about this ordeal. That have stuck with me especiallly.
He isn't giving up or letting cancer beat him or take him down.
He wants to give up sometimes, it gets tough.
He is more worried about how I and his daughter will live after he's gone.
Why him?
Living a life of purpose is one of the most difficult things I feel. I'm exhausted. My mask is growing thinner by the days.
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