Deep intuitions

O man today is an emotional day for me...hormones mixed with stressed out = crazy feeling.  I hate it!  I have been crying all day long.  Easter yesterday was a nice day.  We spent it with his mom my mom and my brother & family.  We don't talk much, but there wasn't any fighting either.  :)  No drama day was so great.  Today I've been thinking so much about Hopedale Helps this local cancer fundraiser I'm helping with.  And it just makes me think of Ben so much and moreso losing Ben.  I am genuinely scared.  It's always there but some days it creeps to the surface hardcorely and every song every thought every thing reminds me I could lose him sooner than I'd like.  People with cancer period one day they are okay the next they are gone.  POOF! Like they never existed.  As crazy as things have become, I don't want to lose him now.  I know life will go on, but what will I do without him, how will I handle everything with Willow?  Sad songs kill me!  I'm planning these ceremonies for HH and the poems and songs are killing me.  It's like relay so we are trying to create this meaningful time where people will feel support and like we care.  We know how you feel and this book I was reading said have a caregiver speak about who they lost.  ??? How do I just ask someone to speak about the single hardest thing in their life? And how would I deal with that?  As much as I want to be there for people dealing with this shit, I need help myself.  And I don't have anyone to talk to mostly.  I do talk but nothing deep deep down that I need to talk about.  So I live and walk and breathe and move on with all this shit on my shoulders, it never goes away and it won't ever.  If this stress stops it'll be new stress or he'll be gone stress...then where will I be?  I'm alone but if I lose him I will have lost my entire life.  Who will I be?  It's so difficult.  This isn't the way my life was supposed to go?  I want to say I'm glad I met him and he changed me so much and for the first time in my life he made me feel loved.  No one has ever loved someone like Ben loves me.  And I love him.  It's not perfect but some where we created this bond together and it's real and it's indifferent to everything.  It will go on with or without us.  I'm physically hurting thinking about him not being here.  I don't want to be negative but I have deep emotional connection with this man and I have some serious intuition and I feel like this will be ending soon...why do I feel this way?  It's not a choice, I feel this way for a reason though. 

Having a hard time today. Grieving someone who is in the other room.  It blows my mind.  I'm pissed off.  I'm so sad.