I can do what I can

Sometimes I can't be everything to everyone.
Right now my husband is fighting for his life literally.
He's showing new symptoms and ignoring it.
The stress there is do I call the Dr. or do I respect his wishes and listen to him.
It's always on me.
His mom would call.
And expects me to, cuz it could be something they can fix and might kill him.
So I should call.
But he asked me not to.
Well he said he wants me to listen to him.
And that I could call.
So while I'm being strong or barely able to be strong for him and our daughter and myself to take care of everything in our life.
I might not be able to be there for friends.
Even if they are going through something equally horrible.
I am not being selfish.
I have to save my strength for him.
I shouldn't feel badly.
They have support.
We don't have a lot of support.
Most people don't know what we are going through.
But if I needed help I would ask.
This isn't something anyone could help me on anyway.
I'm just that way.
I want help but will never ask.
Help as in someone please tell me what I should be doing.
How do I care for my 34 year old husband fighting brain cancer?

P.S. I love you

I went through my P.S. I love you faze, I read the book was disappointed by the not half as good movie, but intrigued by the hotness of Jeffrey Dean Morgan so it's half good... :) heehee

But I watched it today...now remembering how Gerry dies, a brain tumor.  How different the movie is to me now.  I cried...a bit.  Which I feel like sometimes my tears will be dried up by now.

The entire movie to me now means getting through a tragic loss and moving on, cuz we are alone in the end.  We are.  This is my life.  Right now I'm sharing it with Ben & Willow but overall when all is said and done I will be alone.

I get so frustrated when we aren't getting along knowing deep down it's so not important.  I feel so much guilt when I don't want to do something, I have my excuses...then I hate myself afterwards like wth is my problem. 

I miss Ben.  He's still Ben or this new Ben...but I miss him so much.  I try so hard to look beyond everything and appreciate our life and our time together.  I try.  I'm not succeeding though. 

I don't appreciate the small things today.  :(

I'm pissed about the big things! 

I'm mad as hell that our life has been f'd up and it won't ever be the same and most likely anytime soon will suck more.  :/  That's what we have to look forward to. That's why it's so easy to ignore thoughts of our "future".  I try to be positive but deep down...I know better. 

We live silently side by side, ignoring everything around us.  Just to get through each day with some sort of peace and happiness.  Knowing all the while it will end sooner than later. Those dreams we had are gone, well not gone they still exist, but now we realize that they won't happen. The Drs. want us to stay positive, cuz that's what keeps sick people alive...positivity. yep.  So they tell you things like oh I have this patient they've been dx for 20 years out...and in my mind I'm like ok...Ben's DX at 32 so that means he might live until he's 50 if we are super duper lucky.  Or will he be tortured for years to come?

This is stuff I can't tell anyone so I'm here knowing that people can read it, but I don't care if you judge me.  I'm selfish...sorry I wanted the one person I loved and relied on to live until I died what about that? I wanted my husband to see his daughter drive & graduate & help me with her first boyfriend & to walk her down the aisle if she gets married...to be a grandparent with me...once Willow graduated and moved on with her life we were going to enjoy us for once in a long time. We got married so young and had her right away, it's always been about her...we had done things but not very often...she's always first of course.  So it was going to be our time together.  Now I hope he makes it to see her turn 11.  I hope he's capable and understanding and is here. 

In the spare room living his life.  Seperate from us.  We do eat dinner together, which is huge.  We try but emotions and tempers on all our accounts are always so high and bad that usually now when we do do something, we fight and or someone ends up mad and sad.  It sucks. 

shhhh I know I'm appreciative, I have had him almost 2 years out DX of a horrible terminal disease that takes people daily.  I've been a bit close to a couple...well not close but close enough. I hate getting close to anyone sick now.  I can't lose him. 

I can't give him everything I've ever had and lose him.  And how will I make it up to Willow.That's when I have to remind myself to take this crap one day ONE DAY at a time...not worry about the future cuz I can't control what's going to happen. 

I just wish I had that on a recorder to remind myself daily.  I can do this shit!

wishing people were in my life today

Do you ever have a feeling of wishing people were in your life?  In a perfect world, people would be loving and kind.  I've gotten more kindness and love shown to me by complete strangers over my own flesh and blood.  Certain days this makes me sad. 

I can live without my dad in my life cuz mostly that's how it should be.  He couldn't ever show me love so therefore I walked away and he gladly let me.  To me this showed me a lot.  I would never let my kid no matter how old walk away from me forever.  And he still is in my brother's life, who isn't even his kid.  And his kids, which kills me cuz my daughter is his only grandchild.  I've never told him once he couldn't talk to her or see her, he just is this way. Always has been with me anyway.

Then his second family...and his two other daughters he loves.  But lets make this clear as he made his 3rd family them moved all the way across the country to rebuild a life for theirselves. I'm always jealous of them.  They are tall, skinny, beautiful, smart, creative, world conscious, they have the love of our father and he supports them through and through always will I suppose. 

They are on fb but won't talk to me.  That hurts.  I haven't spoken to the youngest who is ten years younger than me in years...and the other one she is 9 years younger than me for a couple years...she did talk to my daughter once onlline. At some point they cut me out and my daughter out too.  It's too hard for them they felt like they had to pick and so I'm out.  I'm totally used to that, that's how their father is. 

So anyway I wish the girls were in my life.  But they aren't.  Something that I will always hurt over.  :(

Irony takes hold their half sister and myself are like sisters...we've only met once years ago, she is closer to my age and she has been a really great friend to me!  She's an awesome person. 

So we can't pick our family.  I wish it was easier somedays.

I can't really even wrap my mind around that when Ben got sick they couldn't even email me or anything.  They've known him since they were 5 years old!  And had to know how much I needed them.  But nothing, not even from my own father, so are they jerks whatever.

I don't feel like I've done anything.  One time I told my dad how I felt.  I tried to explain it to the girls how I never felt like he loved me.  it's my problem.  I have never felt loved by either of my parents, my problem.

I'll get over eventuallly one day.  It does however make me incredible sad that my sisters won't talk to me.  It hurts me a lot.

Ben's 34th Western outlaw birthday party!

Ben had a great birthday! Thanks to his mom and cousin we did it up in cowboy, outlaw themed!  It was fun. Some came dressed up in their outlaw duds!  I loved it! 

Group photo, some were missing but overall had a nice crowd!

Ben's Brownie guitar!

Loot Bags filled with yellow chocolate popcorn gold!

S'more cupcakes!

Favors(ball jars with tag) & Keepsake framed photo & sheriff badges!

Cake table!

Banner from Shindigz(only $15) & homemade chandelier & wanted signs!

The County Jail and cowboy was made by Ben's cousin/PHOTO PROP!

Of course a bonfire, haybales, & marshmallows!

Buffet style Menu:

Drinks: Sweet Tea, Water(in metal tin), Root Beer, and Punch

Taco Bar, Hotdogs, weenies, baked beans, chips cheese & salsa, caramel apple surprise, chocolate popcorn, brownie, cupcakes!

GAMES: bag toss & hillbilly golf!

So yee haw and so forth! It was a great time!  And fun theme!



something poor people say

So I've come to the conclusion that I say things that poor people say like money isn't everything.  :P

I think about it a lot...like that watch that girl is wearing costs as much as my house.  Or she just spent what on her hair I could have paid rent.  Or are rich people happier?

Well in the end of course when we have more money it takes some worries off of our plates. But money can't keep all evil away.  So if we did have money, the Drs would be getting it now. 

It kind of makes me question it all.  since I was 15 and knew I would have to work to get a car to go to work.  To go have fun. To have my own place, to buy everything for myself.  Now at some point you decide and make your own rules up to what you want or how you want to live.  When we decided to get our first apt together, we both had decent jobs and no plans really for the future.  Then we progressed through this life with of course we've been together this long one of us has a decent job, rent is so high let's buy a home.  So then of course a year later we are like of course it's time to get married. A year later...I'm a new mom and wife living in our new home and don't forget the new dog we rescued.  Some how life was crazy and perfect at the same time.  We fought we laughed we loved.  I loved my life.  Now that I reflect.  I loved being at home caring for my family. 

We went through a lot.  Ben always trying to find the better job...he would and then something would happen and he'd be right back to where he started.  For those of you all out there thinking mechanics make good money FIND ANOTHER JOB!  He would have to have expensive tools and then make low income. It made no sense.  Very dangerous working in the extreme cold to extreme heat...not a lot of perks just say.  And then one day he got his break...a guy noticed how smart he was and helped him get a great job. Where we live that is how it's done.  And since Ben didn't have a father, he passed when he was ten, he never got that chance of someone helping him out. He was always on his own.  To make his own path and sometimes he needed help. So this guy got him this awesome union job, insurance, pension. high pay, new work truck, all of it! It was amazing. our life changed.  Ben had his ups and downs it was learning something new and he did great at it.  I was so proud of him.  He was so happy. We were like ok great time to sell our home and move on to bigger and better things like a home we can make roots and stay in forever.  We did sell our first home after 8 years...very stressful btw.  And then we ended up moving in with his mom because we needed to save up for a down payment, we gave ourselves 6 months.  So around that time we found our place...we had a closing date.  It was all good to go...our things would be out of storage and we were packed.  Then it happened.  Ben was told one week before we were to close that he was getting laid off.  No notice. No nothing.  It was all gone like that.  He got unemployment which was 8 dollars less an hour than he had been making.  We lost our insurance.  We had sold his truck so now he didn't have a vehicle.  We lost the house we were going to retire in.  Plans gone.  We grieved hard for that loss.  Our little daughter right in the middle of all that too.  On top of now living with his MNL thankfullly she helped us through but we had to file bankruptcy because we couldn't pay our bills. 

Things got worse his brother moved in with his daughter and the drama was never ending.  Stress was so high.  So as he struggled 7 months to find a new job that paid less than he had started out at this previous job...it was bad.  :(  But it was income. So we started looking for a rental they were too high.  Then his mom mentions buying us a house and we can rent it out.  I dind't want to at first. But things started getting worse and we got desperate.  So we found this cheap fixer uppper and we moved 30 minutes away from all we knew.  We had to.  He was working and we were fixing up this house.  We started all over in this new town and created a life.  Sort of.  I knew Ben missed our old town and now I felt badly.  But it was nice to get away.  I want to get away though. I still do. 

So then not a year later, Ben get's DX with brain cancer...lost his job.  We lost it all nearly...all we had was each other to lean on.  It didn't matter all of it.  Yes we've learned a lot but  none of it even matters.  As far as worrying about raises and money.  When you have nothing it gives you a new perspective. Literally he got his last paycheck, we lived off that for the first month, paying bills and medicines.  And I got help with what I could thankful for all that helped us.  That was huge for us getting to stay in our home.  We had NO income for over a month.  Then he got a surprisingly got a small disability check from work...we never knew was available, he thankfully had been working a year cuz otherwise wouldn't have gotten it.  It was about half of what he was bringing home. So with the help of local agencies and the state we got to pay rent and stay in our home.  Ben had what he needed. We got so much help those first few months it got us through. 

Around 7 months later he finally got approved for Disability for 3 years anyways.  We are so thankful. It took so much stress off of me.  I don't count on it though...things happen.  But for now we are ok.  And get to stay in our home which makes Ben happy.  Now that our house is up to par we like it.  When Ben didn't drive for a year and we are so far away from family to even help us out with Willow and him...and pets.  It was tough.  They don't have paramedics we learned they have volunteer EMTs which some were nice but I didn't feel safe with them.  :( :( :( 

So we are one year and 9 months out from DX.  Ben is now looking at recurrance and we are at this point in our life that we are exhausted with being strong!!! 

It's like this.  Our bills are paid, ironically when you get disability they take an average of what you've made over the length of period you've worked, so Ben is stuck now in that forever not making much, something he worked so hard to get away from...is now our only hope.  We make a little less than what he did when he had his last job.  We got help from family and paid our big bills off and now only have living expenses...and a child so that is tough sometimes. We might not need a lot to live but she does. 

And then we come to what's most important now.

It's not money.  Money is for survival and fun.
But it's not on the top of my list as long as our needs are being meant.  If I did work, not only would it pile on my stress cuz I don't want to leave Willow alone with Ben for many reasons...but it could screw up all that we have going on.  We are stuck in this life for now.  I don't know how to help so my solution is to go to school while I can.  I signed up for this fall.  And wow Ben is now dealing with new patchy spots in his brain MRI...woowow exactly my biggest fear.  No one gets it. I might have to quit to care for him. We were in the hospital so much the first time around cuz he struggled with seizures among other things. 

We know it could always be worse though and that's what gives us the strength to get through another day. 

I've changed so much.  I feel 100 years older.  but it's like this...somedays I wonder why I'm meant to be alive.  I wish I wasn't somedays.  I try really hard to think of all the good that I've experienced it's somehow shadowed by all the bad...I have to try really hard to focus. 

Focusing on Ben and making him happy.  Or helping him in whatever way I can to get through this bullshit with ease and or less anxiety as possible.  It is not easy.  Especially when I'm freaking out inside. 

So my point.  After 33 years of living I am learning what is really important and not just talking about it. Yes I will spend money we don't have on things we don't need...but to make memories to create smiles and laughter.  We now have a new dog as we had to put our old one down last year...she has brought a lot of diversion to the sadness...she's a little chihuahua and makes us laugh every single day! When she isn't tearing up things lol  It is a bit stressful when I have to choose celebrating a birthday over buying groceries...I like to show people how much I care and I need to learn how to do that cheaper!  lol

I would like to be more healthy, mentally and physically. Be smarter on my choices.  Remind myself to not react and just to listen.  Dont' try to fix things but just be there for people I love.  It hurts but when I allow myself to think ahead, I don't know if Ben will be in my life or not.  I fantasize about traveling and seeing a new place every week.  I want to live more. 

Right now I am here for Ben and my daughter.  And his mom and my mom.  And my friends.  One day this might be clearer on why I'm going through these things.  Why the one person I love more than myself is hurting and going through this...dying from this disease.  I don't want to wait to live for now this is my life.  And I take it day by day.  Now what do we live for? Now what to we fight for...Ben's life. 

Today YOU are my counselor

I'm truly in need of a friend right now, why aren't any of my friends early risers? lol I guess I need a new friend.  My mind has been going in circles for the past few days. 

Am I a good friend?
What does that mean?
Why do I feel like I can't or shouldn't go down a certain path?
even though it may be too late. 

Dont' listen to others.
Have my own mind.

Be a good person however I can.

I wish life were a little bit easier some days. 

I want to crawl in a hole or runaway when things get too complicated.

Since Ben got sick, I definitely am right on the don't want to be close to anyone and see them go through pain or suffer.  I don't want to see Ben go through it either but I can't hide from my husband.  I dont' want to be close to anyone.  That's why I like online friends...you get support but you dont' have to actually see them go through the pain...although you feel for them and can send them a card.

Is that the friend I am.   A card friend.  Nothing more nothing less.  :( What's that say about me? 

I talk a good game of wanting to support people with cancer, but a friend of mine has a recurrance situation and I run and hide because I don't know how to deal with it.  It's too close to home.  It's alot of things.  But I want to continue to be a good friend.  We both got bad news on the same week.  I'm not sure how bad hers is, but she is scared.  And I'm scared but I have to focus on other things so I can move forward and not lose my mind.  I think it's too much reality.  I don't want to care but I do care. 

I'm feeling a bit f'd up for even thinking the way I do this week.  Baked goods might help?! 

I'm busy on purpose with Ben's bday party, that to me is number one. For months Ben and I have been struggling and right now is important that I refocus and become the wife he needs me to be, not only that but Wil needs me too.  Am I capable of being that person that can do it all?  Will I regret it either way? 

What would I want from me if I were her? I think she expects me to be there for her and I dont' like that kinda of pressure...I don't expect her to be there for me. Cuz I understand how hard it is.  I had hoped her MRI would be ok and she could move on.  I want to be this magical entinty that fixes everything for everyone and then I hate myself for failing cuz it's unrealistic. 

I have to refocus on what is important to me, not listen to anyone else's opinion on the  matter and move on. 

I'm ready to move but mostly because I want a fresh start.  Since everyone was swooping into to save us from drowning...we have no chance of ever living a normal life here.  People care for sure, but I'd like to live where no one knew so I wouldn't have to answer how's Ben doing? lol cuz ummm let me see...living with brain cancer sucks!  That's how he's doing.  He's scared he's going to die or have a seizure mmost days.  He hides everything and acts like he's ok.  :( 

I'm hanging on a thread here and really could use a friend. 

I need someone to talk to right now!!! Who do I have?

thankful for the little things

ah first day of not having to wake up early and it's so quiet and peaceful I <3 it.  A time to reflect!  We had such a good day yesterday!  Everyone I know is struggling with something today and always cuz that's life right? I hope you can all find some small peace and happiness in every day.  That's all we have.  I think we all have our ups and downs and fears and anxieties.  Today I have an up.  I do believe that we have today and I'm going to make the most of that.  That would consist of a bike ride with my fav kid & making chocolate popcorn.  :)  Small and maybe not huge to alot of people but the small things are what get us through our days.  It might be a minute between a 100 minutes of crazy. But I truly appreciate my life.  Even with things changing quickly and possibly having to deal with some hard choices coming up, we have to find some peace.  Not panic and really take a minute to reflect.  While we're going through some hard things, no one isn't.  We are not alone.  There is always someone who has it worse than us.  For now even just for today.  I appreciate the little things!

Western Party Favor

Western Party Favor

Ball jar with bandana & label thanking

people for coming!

Right timing

Right timing is there such a thing?

So I finally get an interview at a local place. Which is huge because there is like 5 locals.  So they call me for a 2nd interview today.  

I'm 2nd guessing it all.

Is it my anxiety? Is it the long list of wth am I doing this right now?

We need money.

Ok, Ben has this new thing that may or may not be cancer in a new spot in his brain.  Can't find anymore out for a month.  Can I leave him alone with Willow? I would only be 3 minutes away.  But alot could happen.  I tried being down the road last weekend for a rummage sale and that was a nightmare...Ben doesn't want to watch Willow it's so frustrating for him.  Like he loses it.  That is not cool for either one of them.  So how am I to work or go to school?  Should I just give up and stay at home and be scared and miserable all the time?

Screw that!

This last Dr appt has thrown me.

I dont know what i want or how I want to do it all now.  I'm so friggin worried.

I have one hour to decide if I go or not.  :(

I wish I had one person to talk with to get some advice.  I know I'm grown and I need to just do it and not whine so much but I want some advice! 

We can live without the money.  Sort of.

I don't want to be away from them or leave them alone.

Money or sanity?

I don't think I'll ever have either.

MRI results May 7th 2012

Things have changed over night again.  This time it's almost expected so not much of a shock.  When you get handed shit all the time you learn to deal with it better.  Ben's Dr told us his MRI showed new enhancement in patches, that could be cancer or not.  The only way to know for sure is to have another MRI in 6 weeks and to see if it grows.  This showed up over a 6 month period btw.  So if it does grow we might know more so what we are dealing with.  The Dr mentioned speaking with the neurosurgeon, he might want a biopsy.  GULP! We were like eh all the risk of brain surgery and to find out what this is...when we are pretty sure we already know.  Not be be negative, it's the way it works.  Once you find brain cancer, that's your life.  This is our life.  I don't want to even write it in his caring bridge page cuz it will make it that much more real when everyone knows...questions...pity, I don't want it and I KNOW Ben doesn't.  Ahh my Ben.  Why ? 

We talked a real talk.  He has had brain cancer all the while this is new maybe new brain cancer so that is where the shock doesn't come in quite as bad as the first time around.  When people say that they've survived brain cancer for years...it's the hell they went through staying alive I'm wondering about.  It's flipping a coin what is more scary the actual treatments or living with the cancer as long as it allows you to.  Control is a figment of our imagination. No one has control. We can however control how we deal with things.  I'm numb right now but scared and really f'n sad.  so I guess I'm not that numb! 

I am not ready to lose Ben mentally or physically.  :'( 

It hasn't even been 2 years since he was first DX and we are back at it already, not a  great sign.  Not uncommon so I've heard though.  This sucks!

Wil's bus just pulled up, we haven't told her yet...

During the battle

We always need support, at the begining of the battle, during the battle and at the end of the battle. After the battle. Always

There were many people in the beginning.  Few during.  

We fight every single day.

When you see us walking around pretending to live a "normal" existance we need you.

We need you now when every day is very unknown of what the night may bring, we need you.

If you could bring peace to some one would you?

We need you now.

Not when things are at it's worse not when it's overwith.

But now.

We need you now.

shitty weekend

I'm not even going to try to sugar coat this post so if you are offended I don't give a crap!

I've had a super shitty week.  I'm stressed to the MAX

I'm tired of fighting with my ten year old and reteach her how to act and behave and to respect us every five seconds.

I'm failing on so many levels. I volunteer at school and girl scouts and so much, that I have burned myself out bad and today it was like wth have I been doing this for? Willow read her mother's day letter at girl scouts and it said something that hurt me so bad and she read it in front of everyone.  I'm devastated. 

I worked so hard for years to be a good mom.  And now I'm failing even if I'm totally working overtime to be close to her I'm still failing.  :( :( :( :( :(

Ben's MRI results are in the AM and I'm scared shitless. He hasn't been feeling 100% lately and I'm really so scared.

It isn't even being negative or having a bad attitude towards it all, I'm trying to prepare myself for bad news. cuz it's possible.  It's not like that what's I expect or want, of course...but I'm so scared this time.  More so than any other time.  That's all I've been thinking about...people complaining and whining and all I can think is that my husband's brain cancer has gotten worse, grown, moved to another place in his brain...I'm so scared.  I ccan't control it, worrying doesn't help, but I have zero coping right now, I'm full fledged freaking out and every little thing is setting me off. I'm ready to walk away from all that I am doing. I'm done. I'm sick to my stomach.  I'm ready to not be involved in anything. I'm ready to walk away and be over it all.  I don't want to have anything to do with cancer period.  I don't care anymore I have no passion...this is my life not jsut something I've been through, we live it every single damn day.  I need a break!!!

.

Sometimes even I forget...

Sometimes even I forget! haha soo it's like this.  Life has it's important moments. I'm 33 and I've seen a lot in all those years.  I feel a lot older might I add.  :)  Some things matter some do not.  Some things I need to let roll, some I do not.

I think I want to know what I stand for and what I don't stand for.

Deep down I do but I have this reacting problem then that sends me straight into depression than I shut down completely and go into self loathing self pity plain pathetic city! 

I had a crash yesterday but to realize something I had been working on so hard might not be worth it made me super sad.  To find out this world is so small and wherever you go your "problems" will never go away for real.  Or it's like this what if we decide what our problems were, what they consisted of what is really a problem and what isn't to me?  My opinion.  Let the rest go because it doesn't have any reflection on me and my life. I have to still move forward, raise my daughter, and fullfill my committmenets to my husband, Ben.  For myself that is what I have to do. 

Now other things like volunteering, I'm making friendships dealing with people I wouldn't normally spend time with on all levels.  It's good for me. I've been checked out of any kind of social life for a very very very my whole life.  Sometimes I regret stepping into it so loudly though. I like a little quiet and when no one knows me. Well before Ben got sick that was possible NOW not so much. 

As much as we want to not think about it, the second Ben was told he had cancer, our entire world shifted and changed forever.  It will never be the same, it won't even be close.  Problem with that is I liked how things were.  I think.  Yet again now I can choose for that to be a problem or not. I can decide to like our new life as completely strange and very wonderland it is forever now.  Not just for right now but forever.

That's what so many people don't get you don't just get cancer/get treatment/get better/life is okay again. It's not like that for us.  At all. And I think we are pretty positive or at least very good at hiding most feelings towards it all...on the outside anyway. 

So a lesson learned this week or reminded me things are usually exactly how you percieved them to be or nothing at all like you thought they would turn out. No surprise there volunteering for me I don't know where that road is going.  I am looking for something I may never find.  That is me so much.  Never satisfied, ever what is that about?

I love writing on my blog though, even if no one else is reading it.  I'm happy to be able to let go, I can't on fb really cuz I feel judged.  Here no one knows I exist kinda  like real life.  :)

I ask myself a few ?s

Days like these when I feel the way I do, I have to ask myself a few questions. ONE am I stressed out? TWO am I overwhelmed? THREE am I PMSing?  I've been working so hard and feeling passionate about this fundraiser for the american cancer society.  Today I'm questioning it all. 

I know that what I am doing is a good thing, but do I want to support a company that won't support you unless you bring in a certain amount of $$$?  Relay for life.  I've read all these books I'm asking people to jump on board, feeling so proud of our relay site, sharing it all the time, people are using it a bit.  Today I had one meeting with our rep.  Well his job is to support local relays.  While I wasn't hearing back from him emails/phone call messages, I would be on fb and decide I'm going to research a bit and find out what I can about who else might be able to help us.  Well turns out when I did this he got called out by his boss, well I don't know. But he was very upset about it. He ended up bringing us things he could gather because he said we are not recognized as a relay, our site isn't real, we aren't a real mini relay, we are attached to a bigger city one...because we don't bring in $25,000.  So what they say they stand for is an f'n joke. This guy was mad at me, cuz he went out of his way to help us bringing us relay gear, yes that is what we wanted, until he started telling us this shit.  Now I'm reconsidering this entire thing, which means everything I've been spending my time on is a waste of f'n time.  Why would we support a business cuz ACS is a business when they wont' support us, meaning letting us borrow items to decorate OR giving out items to survivors.  Makes me sick.  He acted like he was doing us a favor.  And how dare I ask for help from anyone else, cuz he got in trouble? I will never apologize for trying to do my job the best way I know how.  I kept getting dead ends NOW I know who to directly go to. haha suckers.  lol j/k

I dont know what the hell I'm doing.  This is the 2nd fundraiser I've been dissapointed in, I need to reach out a bit.  :( :( :(

volunteering isn't as great as I hoped

I have to figure out what I stand for and what I want to spend my time on

?s