Sometimes even I forget...

Sometimes even I forget! haha soo it's like this.  Life has it's important moments. I'm 33 and I've seen a lot in all those years.  I feel a lot older might I add.  :)  Some things matter some do not.  Some things I need to let roll, some I do not.

I think I want to know what I stand for and what I don't stand for.

Deep down I do but I have this reacting problem then that sends me straight into depression than I shut down completely and go into self loathing self pity plain pathetic city! 

I had a crash yesterday but to realize something I had been working on so hard might not be worth it made me super sad.  To find out this world is so small and wherever you go your "problems" will never go away for real.  Or it's like this what if we decide what our problems were, what they consisted of what is really a problem and what isn't to me?  My opinion.  Let the rest go because it doesn't have any reflection on me and my life. I have to still move forward, raise my daughter, and fullfill my committmenets to my husband, Ben.  For myself that is what I have to do. 

Now other things like volunteering, I'm making friendships dealing with people I wouldn't normally spend time with on all levels.  It's good for me. I've been checked out of any kind of social life for a very very very my whole life.  Sometimes I regret stepping into it so loudly though. I like a little quiet and when no one knows me. Well before Ben got sick that was possible NOW not so much. 

As much as we want to not think about it, the second Ben was told he had cancer, our entire world shifted and changed forever.  It will never be the same, it won't even be close.  Problem with that is I liked how things were.  I think.  Yet again now I can choose for that to be a problem or not. I can decide to like our new life as completely strange and very wonderland it is forever now.  Not just for right now but forever.

That's what so many people don't get you don't just get cancer/get treatment/get better/life is okay again. It's not like that for us.  At all. And I think we are pretty positive or at least very good at hiding most feelings towards it all...on the outside anyway. 

So a lesson learned this week or reminded me things are usually exactly how you percieved them to be or nothing at all like you thought they would turn out. No surprise there volunteering for me I don't know where that road is going.  I am looking for something I may never find.  That is me so much.  Never satisfied, ever what is that about?

I love writing on my blog though, even if no one else is reading it.  I'm happy to be able to let go, I can't on fb really cuz I feel judged.  Here no one knows I exist kinda  like real life.  :)