something poor people say

So I've come to the conclusion that I say things that poor people say like money isn't everything.  :P

I think about it a lot...like that watch that girl is wearing costs as much as my house.  Or she just spent what on her hair I could have paid rent.  Or are rich people happier?

Well in the end of course when we have more money it takes some worries off of our plates. But money can't keep all evil away.  So if we did have money, the Drs would be getting it now. 

It kind of makes me question it all.  since I was 15 and knew I would have to work to get a car to go to work.  To go have fun. To have my own place, to buy everything for myself.  Now at some point you decide and make your own rules up to what you want or how you want to live.  When we decided to get our first apt together, we both had decent jobs and no plans really for the future.  Then we progressed through this life with of course we've been together this long one of us has a decent job, rent is so high let's buy a home.  So then of course a year later we are like of course it's time to get married. A year later...I'm a new mom and wife living in our new home and don't forget the new dog we rescued.  Some how life was crazy and perfect at the same time.  We fought we laughed we loved.  I loved my life.  Now that I reflect.  I loved being at home caring for my family. 

We went through a lot.  Ben always trying to find the better job...he would and then something would happen and he'd be right back to where he started.  For those of you all out there thinking mechanics make good money FIND ANOTHER JOB!  He would have to have expensive tools and then make low income. It made no sense.  Very dangerous working in the extreme cold to extreme heat...not a lot of perks just say.  And then one day he got his break...a guy noticed how smart he was and helped him get a great job. Where we live that is how it's done.  And since Ben didn't have a father, he passed when he was ten, he never got that chance of someone helping him out. He was always on his own.  To make his own path and sometimes he needed help. So this guy got him this awesome union job, insurance, pension. high pay, new work truck, all of it! It was amazing. our life changed.  Ben had his ups and downs it was learning something new and he did great at it.  I was so proud of him.  He was so happy. We were like ok great time to sell our home and move on to bigger and better things like a home we can make roots and stay in forever.  We did sell our first home after 8 years...very stressful btw.  And then we ended up moving in with his mom because we needed to save up for a down payment, we gave ourselves 6 months.  So around that time we found our place...we had a closing date.  It was all good to go...our things would be out of storage and we were packed.  Then it happened.  Ben was told one week before we were to close that he was getting laid off.  No notice. No nothing.  It was all gone like that.  He got unemployment which was 8 dollars less an hour than he had been making.  We lost our insurance.  We had sold his truck so now he didn't have a vehicle.  We lost the house we were going to retire in.  Plans gone.  We grieved hard for that loss.  Our little daughter right in the middle of all that too.  On top of now living with his MNL thankfullly she helped us through but we had to file bankruptcy because we couldn't pay our bills. 

Things got worse his brother moved in with his daughter and the drama was never ending.  Stress was so high.  So as he struggled 7 months to find a new job that paid less than he had started out at this previous job...it was bad.  :(  But it was income. So we started looking for a rental they were too high.  Then his mom mentions buying us a house and we can rent it out.  I dind't want to at first. But things started getting worse and we got desperate.  So we found this cheap fixer uppper and we moved 30 minutes away from all we knew.  We had to.  He was working and we were fixing up this house.  We started all over in this new town and created a life.  Sort of.  I knew Ben missed our old town and now I felt badly.  But it was nice to get away.  I want to get away though. I still do. 

So then not a year later, Ben get's DX with brain cancer...lost his job.  We lost it all nearly...all we had was each other to lean on.  It didn't matter all of it.  Yes we've learned a lot but  none of it even matters.  As far as worrying about raises and money.  When you have nothing it gives you a new perspective. Literally he got his last paycheck, we lived off that for the first month, paying bills and medicines.  And I got help with what I could thankful for all that helped us.  That was huge for us getting to stay in our home.  We had NO income for over a month.  Then he got a surprisingly got a small disability check from work...we never knew was available, he thankfully had been working a year cuz otherwise wouldn't have gotten it.  It was about half of what he was bringing home. So with the help of local agencies and the state we got to pay rent and stay in our home.  Ben had what he needed. We got so much help those first few months it got us through. 

Around 7 months later he finally got approved for Disability for 3 years anyways.  We are so thankful. It took so much stress off of me.  I don't count on it though...things happen.  But for now we are ok.  And get to stay in our home which makes Ben happy.  Now that our house is up to par we like it.  When Ben didn't drive for a year and we are so far away from family to even help us out with Willow and him...and pets.  It was tough.  They don't have paramedics we learned they have volunteer EMTs which some were nice but I didn't feel safe with them.  :( :( :( 

So we are one year and 9 months out from DX.  Ben is now looking at recurrance and we are at this point in our life that we are exhausted with being strong!!! 

It's like this.  Our bills are paid, ironically when you get disability they take an average of what you've made over the length of period you've worked, so Ben is stuck now in that forever not making much, something he worked so hard to get away from...is now our only hope.  We make a little less than what he did when he had his last job.  We got help from family and paid our big bills off and now only have living expenses...and a child so that is tough sometimes. We might not need a lot to live but she does. 

And then we come to what's most important now.

It's not money.  Money is for survival and fun.
But it's not on the top of my list as long as our needs are being meant.  If I did work, not only would it pile on my stress cuz I don't want to leave Willow alone with Ben for many reasons...but it could screw up all that we have going on.  We are stuck in this life for now.  I don't know how to help so my solution is to go to school while I can.  I signed up for this fall.  And wow Ben is now dealing with new patchy spots in his brain MRI...woowow exactly my biggest fear.  No one gets it. I might have to quit to care for him. We were in the hospital so much the first time around cuz he struggled with seizures among other things. 

We know it could always be worse though and that's what gives us the strength to get through another day. 

I've changed so much.  I feel 100 years older.  but it's like this...somedays I wonder why I'm meant to be alive.  I wish I wasn't somedays.  I try really hard to think of all the good that I've experienced it's somehow shadowed by all the bad...I have to try really hard to focus. 

Focusing on Ben and making him happy.  Or helping him in whatever way I can to get through this bullshit with ease and or less anxiety as possible.  It is not easy.  Especially when I'm freaking out inside. 

So my point.  After 33 years of living I am learning what is really important and not just talking about it. Yes I will spend money we don't have on things we don't need...but to make memories to create smiles and laughter.  We now have a new dog as we had to put our old one down last year...she has brought a lot of diversion to the sadness...she's a little chihuahua and makes us laugh every single day! When she isn't tearing up things lol  It is a bit stressful when I have to choose celebrating a birthday over buying groceries...I like to show people how much I care and I need to learn how to do that cheaper!  lol

I would like to be more healthy, mentally and physically. Be smarter on my choices.  Remind myself to not react and just to listen.  Dont' try to fix things but just be there for people I love.  It hurts but when I allow myself to think ahead, I don't know if Ben will be in my life or not.  I fantasize about traveling and seeing a new place every week.  I want to live more. 

Right now I am here for Ben and my daughter.  And his mom and my mom.  And my friends.  One day this might be clearer on why I'm going through these things.  Why the one person I love more than myself is hurting and going through this...dying from this disease.  I don't want to wait to live for now this is my life.  And I take it day by day.  Now what do we live for? Now what to we fight for...Ben's life.