I ask myself a few ?s

Days like these when I feel the way I do, I have to ask myself a few questions. ONE am I stressed out? TWO am I overwhelmed? THREE am I PMSing?  I've been working so hard and feeling passionate about this fundraiser for the american cancer society.  Today I'm questioning it all. 

I know that what I am doing is a good thing, but do I want to support a company that won't support you unless you bring in a certain amount of $$$?  Relay for life.  I've read all these books I'm asking people to jump on board, feeling so proud of our relay site, sharing it all the time, people are using it a bit.  Today I had one meeting with our rep.  Well his job is to support local relays.  While I wasn't hearing back from him emails/phone call messages, I would be on fb and decide I'm going to research a bit and find out what I can about who else might be able to help us.  Well turns out when I did this he got called out by his boss, well I don't know. But he was very upset about it. He ended up bringing us things he could gather because he said we are not recognized as a relay, our site isn't real, we aren't a real mini relay, we are attached to a bigger city one...because we don't bring in $25,000.  So what they say they stand for is an f'n joke. This guy was mad at me, cuz he went out of his way to help us bringing us relay gear, yes that is what we wanted, until he started telling us this shit.  Now I'm reconsidering this entire thing, which means everything I've been spending my time on is a waste of f'n time.  Why would we support a business cuz ACS is a business when they wont' support us, meaning letting us borrow items to decorate OR giving out items to survivors.  Makes me sick.  He acted like he was doing us a favor.  And how dare I ask for help from anyone else, cuz he got in trouble? I will never apologize for trying to do my job the best way I know how.  I kept getting dead ends NOW I know who to directly go to. haha suckers.  lol j/k

I dont know what the hell I'm doing.  This is the 2nd fundraiser I've been dissapointed in, I need to reach out a bit.  :( :( :(

volunteering isn't as great as I hoped

I have to figure out what I stand for and what I want to spend my time on

?s

This is where the wedding vows get real.

Everyone gets to go home at the end of the day and deal with their issues or life. We go home and it's back to pills and not sleeping through the night. Does anyone know what it really means to be there for someone through it all? This is the most selfless I've ever been. Since August 7th, I've done nothing but cared for my husband and daughter. Nothing new really but I haven't even thought about anything else. I'm in autopilot mode. I'm doing what I should be doing. I love Ben.

Yesterday was our first day out after surgery. We went into town where most of our family lives. I was nervous at how people would act towards all of us but mostly Ben. They saved us a close parking spot at the park that was nice. He started out ok. I forgot a chair...bad caregiver...so he sat at a picnic table for awhile. Everyone talked to him. Everyone asked me how he was really doing. I felt mad and wanted to say How would u feel if you had brain cancer? Dumb question..oh he's fine just great.

So while standing around worrying about him I couldn't have any kind of good normal time. His color starting fading and I looked at him for the first time and thought he's sick. I can see it. He decided that he was going fishing with his brother and best friend. We had talked about it and I thought it was too soon. So in front of them I just said my part. Well I felt like shit. I said well if you go to your mom's take a nap get some food take your pills then you can go for like an hour. lol I'm 31 and he's 32 and now he's my child. I felt bad. So I was just talking it out with him. I don't want to keep him from what he loves to do. So that is how the night went. He had a good time caught some fish. And felt ok I guess.

I'm just a reminder of all that is bad.

I realized real quick. Everyone will get his good and I'll get his sick and feeling like crap and moody and grumpy and needing me for everything. I just figured out what my part is in all this. I have nobody to talk to really. Talking to him is just not good.

So now it's almost 8am and he's wiped out from yesterday still in bed. I got up and made him coffee and rolls...hoping for that same feeling ok he had last night.

He kinda was mean lastnight to Willow. She's upset worrying about xmas this year. Well normal 8 year old. She doesn't know the whole story. So it's not fair to get angry with her. Ben did. He got mad at her and then talked to her and told her he could be dying. Not sure if that was the best time or way for my 8 year old daughter to hear that. This is getting out of control.

She cried.

I didn't want this hanging over her head. I wanted to give her a normal life. A happy childhood. Even I her mother can't control all.

FRIG! I'm so angry.

We have the right puzzle pieces but they will never fit all the way. They never have. We feel in love in high school. We have been through some really tough times. Always feeling like this is right cuz we love each other so much. Things feel so comfortable and right.

Cancer is going to beat us. We can be positive and we can hope. For sure. Being positive the will for life people say goes a long way. Not sure right now if it's enough!

I've never experienced a loved one being ill or dying NEVER. Not up close. And now the only person I've ever loved or loved me is the ONE. I question my ability to deal witha ll this. I'm sliding down the slope and can't stop.

Everyday is waking up to this nightmare and wishing u could go back to sleep and start over again. How do people make it through this stuff? How can I keep my family together? Not sure I'm strong enough.