I'm truly in need of a friend right now, why aren't any of my friends early risers? lol I guess I need a new friend. My mind has been going in circles for the past few days.
Am I a good friend?
What does that mean?
Why do I feel like I can't or shouldn't go down a certain path?
even though it may be too late.
Dont' listen to others.
Have my own mind.
Be a good person however I can.
I wish life were a little bit easier some days.
I want to crawl in a hole or runaway when things get too complicated.
Since Ben got sick, I definitely am right on the don't want to be close to anyone and see them go through pain or suffer. I don't want to see Ben go through it either but I can't hide from my husband. I dont' want to be close to anyone. That's why I like online friends...you get support but you dont' have to actually see them go through the pain...although you feel for them and can send them a card.
Is that the friend I am. A card friend. Nothing more nothing less. :( What's that say about me?
I talk a good game of wanting to support people with cancer, but a friend of mine has a recurrance situation and I run and hide because I don't know how to deal with it. It's too close to home. It's alot of things. But I want to continue to be a good friend. We both got bad news on the same week. I'm not sure how bad hers is, but she is scared. And I'm scared but I have to focus on other things so I can move forward and not lose my mind. I think it's too much reality. I don't want to care but I do care.
I'm feeling a bit f'd up for even thinking the way I do this week. Baked goods might help?!
I'm busy on purpose with Ben's bday party, that to me is number one. For months Ben and I have been struggling and right now is important that I refocus and become the wife he needs me to be, not only that but Wil needs me too. Am I capable of being that person that can do it all? Will I regret it either way?
What would I want from me if I were her? I think she expects me to be there for her and I dont' like that kinda of pressure...I don't expect her to be there for me. Cuz I understand how hard it is. I had hoped her MRI would be ok and she could move on. I want to be this magical entinty that fixes everything for everyone and then I hate myself for failing cuz it's unrealistic.
I have to refocus on what is important to me, not listen to anyone else's opinion on the matter and move on.
I'm ready to move but mostly because I want a fresh start. Since everyone was swooping into to save us from drowning...we have no chance of ever living a normal life here. People care for sure, but I'd like to live where no one knew so I wouldn't have to answer how's Ben doing? lol cuz ummm let me see...living with brain cancer sucks! That's how he's doing. He's scared he's going to die or have a seizure mmost days. He hides everything and acts like he's ok. :(
I'm hanging on a thread here and really could use a friend.
I need someone to talk to right now!!! Who do I have?
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