P.S. I love you

I went through my P.S. I love you faze, I read the book was disappointed by the not half as good movie, but intrigued by the hotness of Jeffrey Dean Morgan so it's half good... :) heehee

But I watched it today...now remembering how Gerry dies, a brain tumor.  How different the movie is to me now.  I cried...a bit.  Which I feel like sometimes my tears will be dried up by now.

The entire movie to me now means getting through a tragic loss and moving on, cuz we are alone in the end.  We are.  This is my life.  Right now I'm sharing it with Ben & Willow but overall when all is said and done I will be alone.

I get so frustrated when we aren't getting along knowing deep down it's so not important.  I feel so much guilt when I don't want to do something, I have my excuses...then I hate myself afterwards like wth is my problem. 

I miss Ben.  He's still Ben or this new Ben...but I miss him so much.  I try so hard to look beyond everything and appreciate our life and our time together.  I try.  I'm not succeeding though. 

I don't appreciate the small things today.  :(

I'm pissed about the big things! 

I'm mad as hell that our life has been f'd up and it won't ever be the same and most likely anytime soon will suck more.  :/  That's what we have to look forward to. That's why it's so easy to ignore thoughts of our "future".  I try to be positive but deep down...I know better. 

We live silently side by side, ignoring everything around us.  Just to get through each day with some sort of peace and happiness.  Knowing all the while it will end sooner than later. Those dreams we had are gone, well not gone they still exist, but now we realize that they won't happen. The Drs. want us to stay positive, cuz that's what keeps sick people alive...positivity. yep.  So they tell you things like oh I have this patient they've been dx for 20 years out...and in my mind I'm like ok...Ben's DX at 32 so that means he might live until he's 50 if we are super duper lucky.  Or will he be tortured for years to come?

This is stuff I can't tell anyone so I'm here knowing that people can read it, but I don't care if you judge me.  I'm selfish...sorry I wanted the one person I loved and relied on to live until I died what about that? I wanted my husband to see his daughter drive & graduate & help me with her first boyfriend & to walk her down the aisle if she gets married...to be a grandparent with me...once Willow graduated and moved on with her life we were going to enjoy us for once in a long time. We got married so young and had her right away, it's always been about her...we had done things but not very often...she's always first of course.  So it was going to be our time together.  Now I hope he makes it to see her turn 11.  I hope he's capable and understanding and is here. 

In the spare room living his life.  Seperate from us.  We do eat dinner together, which is huge.  We try but emotions and tempers on all our accounts are always so high and bad that usually now when we do do something, we fight and or someone ends up mad and sad.  It sucks. 

shhhh I know I'm appreciative, I have had him almost 2 years out DX of a horrible terminal disease that takes people daily.  I've been a bit close to a couple...well not close but close enough. I hate getting close to anyone sick now.  I can't lose him. 

I can't give him everything I've ever had and lose him.  And how will I make it up to Willow.That's when I have to remind myself to take this crap one day ONE DAY at a time...not worry about the future cuz I can't control what's going to happen. 

I just wish I had that on a recorder to remind myself daily.  I can do this shit!