wishing people were in my life today

Do you ever have a feeling of wishing people were in your life?  In a perfect world, people would be loving and kind.  I've gotten more kindness and love shown to me by complete strangers over my own flesh and blood.  Certain days this makes me sad. 

I can live without my dad in my life cuz mostly that's how it should be.  He couldn't ever show me love so therefore I walked away and he gladly let me.  To me this showed me a lot.  I would never let my kid no matter how old walk away from me forever.  And he still is in my brother's life, who isn't even his kid.  And his kids, which kills me cuz my daughter is his only grandchild.  I've never told him once he couldn't talk to her or see her, he just is this way. Always has been with me anyway.

Then his second family...and his two other daughters he loves.  But lets make this clear as he made his 3rd family them moved all the way across the country to rebuild a life for theirselves. I'm always jealous of them.  They are tall, skinny, beautiful, smart, creative, world conscious, they have the love of our father and he supports them through and through always will I suppose. 

They are on fb but won't talk to me.  That hurts.  I haven't spoken to the youngest who is ten years younger than me in years...and the other one she is 9 years younger than me for a couple years...she did talk to my daughter once onlline. At some point they cut me out and my daughter out too.  It's too hard for them they felt like they had to pick and so I'm out.  I'm totally used to that, that's how their father is. 

So anyway I wish the girls were in my life.  But they aren't.  Something that I will always hurt over.  :(

Irony takes hold their half sister and myself are like sisters...we've only met once years ago, she is closer to my age and she has been a really great friend to me!  She's an awesome person. 

So we can't pick our family.  I wish it was easier somedays.

I can't really even wrap my mind around that when Ben got sick they couldn't even email me or anything.  They've known him since they were 5 years old!  And had to know how much I needed them.  But nothing, not even from my own father, so are they jerks whatever.

I don't feel like I've done anything.  One time I told my dad how I felt.  I tried to explain it to the girls how I never felt like he loved me.  it's my problem.  I have never felt loved by either of my parents, my problem.

I'll get over eventuallly one day.  It does however make me incredible sad that my sisters won't talk to me.  It hurts me a lot.