Monday it is a new day

Long ass week last week! Can't believe I made it through alive. But here I sit. Spent a lot of time with others and strangers. My mind needs a break. I need to relax. I dream of a hot tub and candle light soft music etc. :)

I need a girl's trip!

I just started selling Thirty-One. I sold AVON in the past and I found that the company sells to the consultant more than customers. lol Well they are smart! Cuz that shit is cute. And if we do this or that we get deals or freebies>"feebies". Nothing is free. But going into it with the idea if I sell I could make some cash. That appeals to me. I need some of that cash! I'd rather have cash and do work knowing I"m going to get it too! 

We live off of SS disability since 2011. Brain cancer u can suck it! Ruining our life that way. Lots of people have cancer and work. Ben was/is a diesel mechanic...so the posibility of a seizure. He can't drive here and there on and off so yeah that job or career was over the day he had his first seizure. He can still mentally do it. But after 6 months of short term disability they let him go, by letter btw thought that  was nice. lol But we were thankful they did donated to us to help us out. So that was awesome. 

But now we live at the rate of an average of what he made from age 16-32...which we were always striving for that more money career thing. He got it once and got laid off. Thank you shitty economic system of ours. That was devastating. It was like since then shit has just kept sliding down that shitty slide of life. down down down

It's really hard to talk about our life and not sound like a Debbie Downer! ya know! Seriously I find myself annoying myself that is bad. But I think I've just gotten sick of pretending I'm not sad or mad! I am. I'm embracing it. 

Watching people around me in their different lives..knowing whatever they choose to show us. It's very interesting to me. 

So let's try this honestly what is great about my life:

Friends
Daughter
I supposed husband :P at times...miss him so much tho
College
Home school is very rewarding!/challenging
my pets make me happy


I need a DRAMA free zone. Who the hell bugs a sick person with stupid shit? Who does that?! Uncaring people. Selfish annoying people. More worried about how things affect them and don't even consider that the other person is going through something right now that you couldn't understand at all ever! :(

I swear I was just saying not that I'm a violent person but I miss the days that you could get into a good old fashioned fist fight and not worry about getting arrested for battery! lol :P

There are people in this world that need a punch in the face!

Maybe I am having anger issues LOL oh friggin well. I'll work on it!

So we have to get ready to go to Ben's Dr appt for his chemo. They do labs and then if they are okay he'll get chemo to stop the tumor in his brain from growing, even I can't wrap my mind around this bullshit! It's not normal. And it does suck. 

Gotta go.            

My list as of right now

Whether or not it's the Holiday stuff or what. But this is my list right now. And I'm hoping to figure out how to de-stress! haha

Today: Executing a double bday party for two 8 year old girls. I'm all ready to go just have to pick up cake and finish up putting things out. 
Peeling pototoes for Hopedale Helps for their soup lunch tomorrow(fundraiser for families fighting cancer) (www.facebook.com/hopedalehelpsacs)

Tomorrow:HH soup Lunch (made and need to make more corn muffins, helping set up and serve)
Then off to my very first Thirty-One Spring Premiere. Kind of excited about this. Part of me wants to dive right in and sell sell sell. Another part of me wants to be laidback and do what I will when I will. :P I only have to sell 200 every 3 months to remain active. So that shouldn't be an issue. I'm hoping to make some extra money with it all. ? We will see.

Monday: Ben has an appt with his oncologist/NP for his monthly LABS & chemo. bleh
Figuring out Willow's lessons for the week(probably should do this on Sunday)

Rest of week: Final for my one class, return books and get new ones! :) Excited to have a break, I couldn't imagine going full time! 
Dr. appt with Cardio about my maybe White Wolf Parkinson syndrome(my heart beats fast)
Getting Wil's haircut
Friends bday gift
baking for HH bake sale 

Neverending. I feel stressed and need a break but the days fly by.

I have a referral with a counselor. Partly ready to go another part is worried that we won't click. :/ I don't know if I could feel comfortable enough to really be honest. :( That would truly be nice. 

So this is my one week in time. Making the most of it as well as driving myself crazy! haha      



 
 

new page

turning a new page today. I've been obsessed with fb. I use it to it's fullest. As well as living on it talking with people. It takes over my life. today a few things happened where I questioned what am I doing?!

so if I need to vent I'm venting here now and on my husband's caring bridge page. focusing on my real life!

It's been awhile

Life always seems to change drastically. Nothing small or minute around here. lol That last post was in June 2012. Well long story short!

Ben starting having seizures again. They found patches, new ones from the 6 Month MRI, his first btw. And BAM! a month  later it grew quite a bit. They were saying around an inch. So they were saying surgery, again. It hadn't been two years from the first one. Nevermind radiation. So we went on vacation to WI, had a great time. Ben was enduring small seizures the whole time, daily. He pushed through and went fishing, we had lots of family time together, great memories.

We came home and got ready for surgery it got moved up a week on us and July 5th, 2nd surgery. They got what they could. The path came back more agressive dealing with Grade 3 now, and he's been on chemo since.

Things have changed quite a bit since all of that. He's healed from surgery. THankfully he didn't experience any bad bad side effects. Mentally he's kicked down a bit. We all are.

I update  his caring bridge page and on fb but not here...

I did start school. Business that has been a ride. It's crazy how much I can do in my free time. I have been volunteering as well...that makes things better!

Not between Ben and I though. :/ Things are hard.

He's really depressed. I'm now taking meds galore to keep my sanity and need to get on my health more. 

Spending time with Willow...that makes me happy now. Getting together with friends helps a lot too.

I let days fly by

Hm I let days fly by.


Some days I say cleaning and laundry are things I have to do but not need to do.  haha 


Then when I realize how dirty my house is and how no one has clean clothes I feel guilty.


So I waste an entire day cleaning and doing laundry.


Thinking to myself I don't need any of this shit.


I could have 3 outfits and 3 undies and I'd be alright.


haha


I need my computer and music and food


nothing else


no one else


well


I'm so empty right  now.


Waiting on this and that...controlling anxiety lurking right beneath the surface, shhh don't tell me I said so though.  Denial...misspelled every time.


I'm eating to make myself feel better 30lbs later I know it'll fall right off again when Ben goes through this next battle.


No biggie cuz I don't care what I look like.  I wish I could care enough about my health...but I can't right now.  


Tired of being up on my high horse...need a break.


Can't wait for vacation hope I can rise above the crazy and have peace and fun!  I need to do drugs lol  :P


Honestly


seriously


wishful thinking


I've never been a drinker or one for drugs.  


Do they really have fun?  


I can't release though so that could help with that...lol  


oh well it is me


I'm at peace by water and quiet with some music


filling my mp3 this week


can't wait for the river and jacuzzi


ahhh


getting away from it all


taking it with us though


how do you really forget things?


I hope MNL can relax and let go a bit...so Ben isn't driven nuts!  


I wait for the other shoe to drop she waiting and expecting the other anvil to drop


this next week we get seriously scary MRI results.  can't control what already is so not worrying today


so I tell myself


over and over again


he went shooting all day today, he's really nervous this time.


decidely so


Listening to Nirvana makes me remember being younger.  :)

no good title

I guess one you feel like you are alone and you've never had anyone to count on before you just begin at some point I can't say when, but you can't trust anyone.  I was let down so many times growing up that I became just that.  Probably why I'm so uptight or stressed out or anxiety ridden.  I've never asked for help...when I did it was truly one of the hardest things I probably have done.  I never want to be let down again.


Then Ben came along and it took years for me to trust him fully.  And then I relied on him even scarier. He proved me wrong every time, he proved to me that people can be loving & caring & loyal & trustworthy.  Sometimes I question my naivesss...like no way no one is this good.  No one!  But to this day he's not proven me right.  


I don't naturally trust people in my life.  I would rather be alone and deal alone.  And work through things like this without their opinions or their feelings that will over shadow we were talking about. I guess being brought up by a very selfish human being my mother...I never felt like I mattered.  My opinion my feelings myself.  If I knew one thing it was people hurt you, especially people who should love you, hurt you.  When they are trying their hardest and giving all they can it won't ever be enough.  Maybe I'm not easy to love.  


I don't like to be close to people.  I like friends online and far away family.  It's not real.  It is real but just not in your face real.  


I can crawl in my hole whenever I like.  I can walk away from the computer and not justify myself or feel bad or feel anything.


In life, I've done a great job of letting people see what I want. I believe everyone is like this.  As soon as I open up I regret it. I become vulnerable. I cannot do this shit. People friends any of it.  


I cannot do this.  


I don't want to.


No one's opinion matters.  


I never said I was a good person.  But I do believe that most of the time I try to be.  Why do I feel badly if people have opinions of me that might not be true. Who cares?  I have my friends. I like my friends.


Today I dreamt of driving around the US meeting all my online friends.  How would that be? Just lunch or dinner or just hanging out, nothing huge, no huge commitments. I could be a rolling stone never ever staying too long!  :/  That's what I want.  


I could run forever...until I could no longer run!

I can do what I can

Sometimes I can't be everything to everyone.
Right now my husband is fighting for his life literally.
He's showing new symptoms and ignoring it.
The stress there is do I call the Dr. or do I respect his wishes and listen to him.
It's always on me.
His mom would call.
And expects me to, cuz it could be something they can fix and might kill him.
So I should call.
But he asked me not to.
Well he said he wants me to listen to him.
And that I could call.
So while I'm being strong or barely able to be strong for him and our daughter and myself to take care of everything in our life.
I might not be able to be there for friends.
Even if they are going through something equally horrible.
I am not being selfish.
I have to save my strength for him.
I shouldn't feel badly.
They have support.
We don't have a lot of support.
Most people don't know what we are going through.
But if I needed help I would ask.
This isn't something anyone could help me on anyway.
I'm just that way.
I want help but will never ask.
Help as in someone please tell me what I should be doing.
How do I care for my 34 year old husband fighting brain cancer?

P.S. I love you

I went through my P.S. I love you faze, I read the book was disappointed by the not half as good movie, but intrigued by the hotness of Jeffrey Dean Morgan so it's half good... :) heehee

But I watched it today...now remembering how Gerry dies, a brain tumor.  How different the movie is to me now.  I cried...a bit.  Which I feel like sometimes my tears will be dried up by now.

The entire movie to me now means getting through a tragic loss and moving on, cuz we are alone in the end.  We are.  This is my life.  Right now I'm sharing it with Ben & Willow but overall when all is said and done I will be alone.

I get so frustrated when we aren't getting along knowing deep down it's so not important.  I feel so much guilt when I don't want to do something, I have my excuses...then I hate myself afterwards like wth is my problem. 

I miss Ben.  He's still Ben or this new Ben...but I miss him so much.  I try so hard to look beyond everything and appreciate our life and our time together.  I try.  I'm not succeeding though. 

I don't appreciate the small things today.  :(

I'm pissed about the big things! 

I'm mad as hell that our life has been f'd up and it won't ever be the same and most likely anytime soon will suck more.  :/  That's what we have to look forward to. That's why it's so easy to ignore thoughts of our "future".  I try to be positive but deep down...I know better. 

We live silently side by side, ignoring everything around us.  Just to get through each day with some sort of peace and happiness.  Knowing all the while it will end sooner than later. Those dreams we had are gone, well not gone they still exist, but now we realize that they won't happen. The Drs. want us to stay positive, cuz that's what keeps sick people alive...positivity. yep.  So they tell you things like oh I have this patient they've been dx for 20 years out...and in my mind I'm like ok...Ben's DX at 32 so that means he might live until he's 50 if we are super duper lucky.  Or will he be tortured for years to come?

This is stuff I can't tell anyone so I'm here knowing that people can read it, but I don't care if you judge me.  I'm selfish...sorry I wanted the one person I loved and relied on to live until I died what about that? I wanted my husband to see his daughter drive & graduate & help me with her first boyfriend & to walk her down the aisle if she gets married...to be a grandparent with me...once Willow graduated and moved on with her life we were going to enjoy us for once in a long time. We got married so young and had her right away, it's always been about her...we had done things but not very often...she's always first of course.  So it was going to be our time together.  Now I hope he makes it to see her turn 11.  I hope he's capable and understanding and is here. 

In the spare room living his life.  Seperate from us.  We do eat dinner together, which is huge.  We try but emotions and tempers on all our accounts are always so high and bad that usually now when we do do something, we fight and or someone ends up mad and sad.  It sucks. 

shhhh I know I'm appreciative, I have had him almost 2 years out DX of a horrible terminal disease that takes people daily.  I've been a bit close to a couple...well not close but close enough. I hate getting close to anyone sick now.  I can't lose him. 

I can't give him everything I've ever had and lose him.  And how will I make it up to Willow.That's when I have to remind myself to take this crap one day ONE DAY at a time...not worry about the future cuz I can't control what's going to happen. 

I just wish I had that on a recorder to remind myself daily.  I can do this shit!

wishing people were in my life today

Do you ever have a feeling of wishing people were in your life?  In a perfect world, people would be loving and kind.  I've gotten more kindness and love shown to me by complete strangers over my own flesh and blood.  Certain days this makes me sad. 

I can live without my dad in my life cuz mostly that's how it should be.  He couldn't ever show me love so therefore I walked away and he gladly let me.  To me this showed me a lot.  I would never let my kid no matter how old walk away from me forever.  And he still is in my brother's life, who isn't even his kid.  And his kids, which kills me cuz my daughter is his only grandchild.  I've never told him once he couldn't talk to her or see her, he just is this way. Always has been with me anyway.

Then his second family...and his two other daughters he loves.  But lets make this clear as he made his 3rd family them moved all the way across the country to rebuild a life for theirselves. I'm always jealous of them.  They are tall, skinny, beautiful, smart, creative, world conscious, they have the love of our father and he supports them through and through always will I suppose. 

They are on fb but won't talk to me.  That hurts.  I haven't spoken to the youngest who is ten years younger than me in years...and the other one she is 9 years younger than me for a couple years...she did talk to my daughter once onlline. At some point they cut me out and my daughter out too.  It's too hard for them they felt like they had to pick and so I'm out.  I'm totally used to that, that's how their father is. 

So anyway I wish the girls were in my life.  But they aren't.  Something that I will always hurt over.  :(

Irony takes hold their half sister and myself are like sisters...we've only met once years ago, she is closer to my age and she has been a really great friend to me!  She's an awesome person. 

So we can't pick our family.  I wish it was easier somedays.

I can't really even wrap my mind around that when Ben got sick they couldn't even email me or anything.  They've known him since they were 5 years old!  And had to know how much I needed them.  But nothing, not even from my own father, so are they jerks whatever.

I don't feel like I've done anything.  One time I told my dad how I felt.  I tried to explain it to the girls how I never felt like he loved me.  it's my problem.  I have never felt loved by either of my parents, my problem.

I'll get over eventuallly one day.  It does however make me incredible sad that my sisters won't talk to me.  It hurts me a lot.

Ben's 34th Western outlaw birthday party!

Ben had a great birthday! Thanks to his mom and cousin we did it up in cowboy, outlaw themed!  It was fun. Some came dressed up in their outlaw duds!  I loved it! 

Group photo, some were missing but overall had a nice crowd!

Ben's Brownie guitar!

Loot Bags filled with yellow chocolate popcorn gold!

S'more cupcakes!

Favors(ball jars with tag) & Keepsake framed photo & sheriff badges!

Cake table!

Banner from Shindigz(only $15) & homemade chandelier & wanted signs!

The County Jail and cowboy was made by Ben's cousin/PHOTO PROP!

Of course a bonfire, haybales, & marshmallows!

Buffet style Menu:

Drinks: Sweet Tea, Water(in metal tin), Root Beer, and Punch

Taco Bar, Hotdogs, weenies, baked beans, chips cheese & salsa, caramel apple surprise, chocolate popcorn, brownie, cupcakes!

GAMES: bag toss & hillbilly golf!

So yee haw and so forth! It was a great time!  And fun theme!



something poor people say

So I've come to the conclusion that I say things that poor people say like money isn't everything.  :P

I think about it a lot...like that watch that girl is wearing costs as much as my house.  Or she just spent what on her hair I could have paid rent.  Or are rich people happier?

Well in the end of course when we have more money it takes some worries off of our plates. But money can't keep all evil away.  So if we did have money, the Drs would be getting it now. 

It kind of makes me question it all.  since I was 15 and knew I would have to work to get a car to go to work.  To go have fun. To have my own place, to buy everything for myself.  Now at some point you decide and make your own rules up to what you want or how you want to live.  When we decided to get our first apt together, we both had decent jobs and no plans really for the future.  Then we progressed through this life with of course we've been together this long one of us has a decent job, rent is so high let's buy a home.  So then of course a year later we are like of course it's time to get married. A year later...I'm a new mom and wife living in our new home and don't forget the new dog we rescued.  Some how life was crazy and perfect at the same time.  We fought we laughed we loved.  I loved my life.  Now that I reflect.  I loved being at home caring for my family. 

We went through a lot.  Ben always trying to find the better job...he would and then something would happen and he'd be right back to where he started.  For those of you all out there thinking mechanics make good money FIND ANOTHER JOB!  He would have to have expensive tools and then make low income. It made no sense.  Very dangerous working in the extreme cold to extreme heat...not a lot of perks just say.  And then one day he got his break...a guy noticed how smart he was and helped him get a great job. Where we live that is how it's done.  And since Ben didn't have a father, he passed when he was ten, he never got that chance of someone helping him out. He was always on his own.  To make his own path and sometimes he needed help. So this guy got him this awesome union job, insurance, pension. high pay, new work truck, all of it! It was amazing. our life changed.  Ben had his ups and downs it was learning something new and he did great at it.  I was so proud of him.  He was so happy. We were like ok great time to sell our home and move on to bigger and better things like a home we can make roots and stay in forever.  We did sell our first home after 8 years...very stressful btw.  And then we ended up moving in with his mom because we needed to save up for a down payment, we gave ourselves 6 months.  So around that time we found our place...we had a closing date.  It was all good to go...our things would be out of storage and we were packed.  Then it happened.  Ben was told one week before we were to close that he was getting laid off.  No notice. No nothing.  It was all gone like that.  He got unemployment which was 8 dollars less an hour than he had been making.  We lost our insurance.  We had sold his truck so now he didn't have a vehicle.  We lost the house we were going to retire in.  Plans gone.  We grieved hard for that loss.  Our little daughter right in the middle of all that too.  On top of now living with his MNL thankfullly she helped us through but we had to file bankruptcy because we couldn't pay our bills. 

Things got worse his brother moved in with his daughter and the drama was never ending.  Stress was so high.  So as he struggled 7 months to find a new job that paid less than he had started out at this previous job...it was bad.  :(  But it was income. So we started looking for a rental they were too high.  Then his mom mentions buying us a house and we can rent it out.  I dind't want to at first. But things started getting worse and we got desperate.  So we found this cheap fixer uppper and we moved 30 minutes away from all we knew.  We had to.  He was working and we were fixing up this house.  We started all over in this new town and created a life.  Sort of.  I knew Ben missed our old town and now I felt badly.  But it was nice to get away.  I want to get away though. I still do. 

So then not a year later, Ben get's DX with brain cancer...lost his job.  We lost it all nearly...all we had was each other to lean on.  It didn't matter all of it.  Yes we've learned a lot but  none of it even matters.  As far as worrying about raises and money.  When you have nothing it gives you a new perspective. Literally he got his last paycheck, we lived off that for the first month, paying bills and medicines.  And I got help with what I could thankful for all that helped us.  That was huge for us getting to stay in our home.  We had NO income for over a month.  Then he got a surprisingly got a small disability check from work...we never knew was available, he thankfully had been working a year cuz otherwise wouldn't have gotten it.  It was about half of what he was bringing home. So with the help of local agencies and the state we got to pay rent and stay in our home.  Ben had what he needed. We got so much help those first few months it got us through. 

Around 7 months later he finally got approved for Disability for 3 years anyways.  We are so thankful. It took so much stress off of me.  I don't count on it though...things happen.  But for now we are ok.  And get to stay in our home which makes Ben happy.  Now that our house is up to par we like it.  When Ben didn't drive for a year and we are so far away from family to even help us out with Willow and him...and pets.  It was tough.  They don't have paramedics we learned they have volunteer EMTs which some were nice but I didn't feel safe with them.  :( :( :( 

So we are one year and 9 months out from DX.  Ben is now looking at recurrance and we are at this point in our life that we are exhausted with being strong!!! 

It's like this.  Our bills are paid, ironically when you get disability they take an average of what you've made over the length of period you've worked, so Ben is stuck now in that forever not making much, something he worked so hard to get away from...is now our only hope.  We make a little less than what he did when he had his last job.  We got help from family and paid our big bills off and now only have living expenses...and a child so that is tough sometimes. We might not need a lot to live but she does. 

And then we come to what's most important now.

It's not money.  Money is for survival and fun.
But it's not on the top of my list as long as our needs are being meant.  If I did work, not only would it pile on my stress cuz I don't want to leave Willow alone with Ben for many reasons...but it could screw up all that we have going on.  We are stuck in this life for now.  I don't know how to help so my solution is to go to school while I can.  I signed up for this fall.  And wow Ben is now dealing with new patchy spots in his brain MRI...woowow exactly my biggest fear.  No one gets it. I might have to quit to care for him. We were in the hospital so much the first time around cuz he struggled with seizures among other things. 

We know it could always be worse though and that's what gives us the strength to get through another day. 

I've changed so much.  I feel 100 years older.  but it's like this...somedays I wonder why I'm meant to be alive.  I wish I wasn't somedays.  I try really hard to think of all the good that I've experienced it's somehow shadowed by all the bad...I have to try really hard to focus. 

Focusing on Ben and making him happy.  Or helping him in whatever way I can to get through this bullshit with ease and or less anxiety as possible.  It is not easy.  Especially when I'm freaking out inside. 

So my point.  After 33 years of living I am learning what is really important and not just talking about it. Yes I will spend money we don't have on things we don't need...but to make memories to create smiles and laughter.  We now have a new dog as we had to put our old one down last year...she has brought a lot of diversion to the sadness...she's a little chihuahua and makes us laugh every single day! When she isn't tearing up things lol  It is a bit stressful when I have to choose celebrating a birthday over buying groceries...I like to show people how much I care and I need to learn how to do that cheaper!  lol

I would like to be more healthy, mentally and physically. Be smarter on my choices.  Remind myself to not react and just to listen.  Dont' try to fix things but just be there for people I love.  It hurts but when I allow myself to think ahead, I don't know if Ben will be in my life or not.  I fantasize about traveling and seeing a new place every week.  I want to live more. 

Right now I am here for Ben and my daughter.  And his mom and my mom.  And my friends.  One day this might be clearer on why I'm going through these things.  Why the one person I love more than myself is hurting and going through this...dying from this disease.  I don't want to wait to live for now this is my life.  And I take it day by day.  Now what do we live for? Now what to we fight for...Ben's life. 

Today YOU are my counselor

I'm truly in need of a friend right now, why aren't any of my friends early risers? lol I guess I need a new friend.  My mind has been going in circles for the past few days. 

Am I a good friend?
What does that mean?
Why do I feel like I can't or shouldn't go down a certain path?
even though it may be too late. 

Dont' listen to others.
Have my own mind.

Be a good person however I can.

I wish life were a little bit easier some days. 

I want to crawl in a hole or runaway when things get too complicated.

Since Ben got sick, I definitely am right on the don't want to be close to anyone and see them go through pain or suffer.  I don't want to see Ben go through it either but I can't hide from my husband.  I dont' want to be close to anyone.  That's why I like online friends...you get support but you dont' have to actually see them go through the pain...although you feel for them and can send them a card.

Is that the friend I am.   A card friend.  Nothing more nothing less.  :( What's that say about me? 

I talk a good game of wanting to support people with cancer, but a friend of mine has a recurrance situation and I run and hide because I don't know how to deal with it.  It's too close to home.  It's alot of things.  But I want to continue to be a good friend.  We both got bad news on the same week.  I'm not sure how bad hers is, but she is scared.  And I'm scared but I have to focus on other things so I can move forward and not lose my mind.  I think it's too much reality.  I don't want to care but I do care. 

I'm feeling a bit f'd up for even thinking the way I do this week.  Baked goods might help?! 

I'm busy on purpose with Ben's bday party, that to me is number one. For months Ben and I have been struggling and right now is important that I refocus and become the wife he needs me to be, not only that but Wil needs me too.  Am I capable of being that person that can do it all?  Will I regret it either way? 

What would I want from me if I were her? I think she expects me to be there for her and I dont' like that kinda of pressure...I don't expect her to be there for me. Cuz I understand how hard it is.  I had hoped her MRI would be ok and she could move on.  I want to be this magical entinty that fixes everything for everyone and then I hate myself for failing cuz it's unrealistic. 

I have to refocus on what is important to me, not listen to anyone else's opinion on the  matter and move on. 

I'm ready to move but mostly because I want a fresh start.  Since everyone was swooping into to save us from drowning...we have no chance of ever living a normal life here.  People care for sure, but I'd like to live where no one knew so I wouldn't have to answer how's Ben doing? lol cuz ummm let me see...living with brain cancer sucks!  That's how he's doing.  He's scared he's going to die or have a seizure mmost days.  He hides everything and acts like he's ok.  :( 

I'm hanging on a thread here and really could use a friend. 

I need someone to talk to right now!!! Who do I have?

thankful for the little things

ah first day of not having to wake up early and it's so quiet and peaceful I <3 it.  A time to reflect!  We had such a good day yesterday!  Everyone I know is struggling with something today and always cuz that's life right? I hope you can all find some small peace and happiness in every day.  That's all we have.  I think we all have our ups and downs and fears and anxieties.  Today I have an up.  I do believe that we have today and I'm going to make the most of that.  That would consist of a bike ride with my fav kid & making chocolate popcorn.  :)  Small and maybe not huge to alot of people but the small things are what get us through our days.  It might be a minute between a 100 minutes of crazy. But I truly appreciate my life.  Even with things changing quickly and possibly having to deal with some hard choices coming up, we have to find some peace.  Not panic and really take a minute to reflect.  While we're going through some hard things, no one isn't.  We are not alone.  There is always someone who has it worse than us.  For now even just for today.  I appreciate the little things!

Western Party Favor

Western Party Favor

Ball jar with bandana & label thanking

people for coming!