no good title

I guess one you feel like you are alone and you've never had anyone to count on before you just begin at some point I can't say when, but you can't trust anyone.  I was let down so many times growing up that I became just that.  Probably why I'm so uptight or stressed out or anxiety ridden.  I've never asked for help...when I did it was truly one of the hardest things I probably have done.  I never want to be let down again.


Then Ben came along and it took years for me to trust him fully.  And then I relied on him even scarier. He proved me wrong every time, he proved to me that people can be loving & caring & loyal & trustworthy.  Sometimes I question my naivesss...like no way no one is this good.  No one!  But to this day he's not proven me right.  


I don't naturally trust people in my life.  I would rather be alone and deal alone.  And work through things like this without their opinions or their feelings that will over shadow we were talking about. I guess being brought up by a very selfish human being my mother...I never felt like I mattered.  My opinion my feelings myself.  If I knew one thing it was people hurt you, especially people who should love you, hurt you.  When they are trying their hardest and giving all they can it won't ever be enough.  Maybe I'm not easy to love.  


I don't like to be close to people.  I like friends online and far away family.  It's not real.  It is real but just not in your face real.  


I can crawl in my hole whenever I like.  I can walk away from the computer and not justify myself or feel bad or feel anything.


In life, I've done a great job of letting people see what I want. I believe everyone is like this.  As soon as I open up I regret it. I become vulnerable. I cannot do this shit. People friends any of it.  


I cannot do this.  


I don't want to.


No one's opinion matters.  


I never said I was a good person.  But I do believe that most of the time I try to be.  Why do I feel badly if people have opinions of me that might not be true. Who cares?  I have my friends. I like my friends.


Today I dreamt of driving around the US meeting all my online friends.  How would that be? Just lunch or dinner or just hanging out, nothing huge, no huge commitments. I could be a rolling stone never ever staying too long!  :/  That's what I want.  


I could run forever...until I could no longer run!