angry or is it sad...

SO it's been 1 month and 3 days since Ben's surgery. We've gone through seizures and changing of meds, an overnight EEG nothing from that. We have bowts of anxiety that keep life strained. Draining whatever.
Yesterday he had his monthly with his neurosurgeon...then referred to a Oncologist...which we went today. I'm trying to keep strong, to reach out when I need to. Only to feel very isolated and alone mostly. I put on this brave face. I keep going...giving meds making sure everyone is taken care of. Trying to put on this mask of normalcy. I'm not normal.
This is not ok with me. I'm watching my husband suffer. I can't do anything from that tumor to stop growing.
So he's going to do radiation M-F for 6 weeks or so. Nevermind the driving 30 minutes for a 15 minute appt...or the gas money we don't have. But to see him worrying I see it in his eyes. He's scared. So strong. He's so worried that it's going to take what little energy he has now. And what if something else happens or more seizures...although it should help with them. Seeing his MRIs for the first time today...wow. It's real. Ben has a tumor in his brain. They got what they could but it's in there still. It can grow deeper or wherever it wants to. As fast or as slow as it wants to.

When I met Ben I was 15...I've been with him longer than not, being 31 now...I don't know if people understand how deep this goes. He is my best friend. He is the ONLY person who has ever loved me. Or showed me unconditional love. He loves me. He makes me feel beautiful. He's laying in bed after brain surgery and he's worried about ME. lol that killed me. Seeing him after surgery killed me. It all came down on me like a ton of bricks. Basically I could lose him. How did this happen? Why did this have to happen to Ben to us? To Willow. ??? WHY?

Hope, Peace, and Love is all we have now. We don't have money to pay our bills. We don't have anything at all but each other which will have to do right?

sigh

I'm exhausted but can't sleep. I want to cry or scream or punch someone. But I'm numb. He is the most wonderful person I've ever known not just saying that he is such a great person...to watch him lose everything then fear he'll lose his mind or body functions...or to not know me or Willow...it's f'd up! It killsme. It kills me!

I know we aren't the only ones suffering from this bullshit. It's so hard. It's tough keeping up this strong FAKE brave face. I'm numb. I have to be. If I think about him or losing him I can't do this. I want to run. His greatest fear is for me to leave. And my greatest fear is losing him.

We made it through one week!

Somebody knock on wood. We made it one week without a seizure. GOD I hope this Keppra works for Ben. I couldn't sleep lastnight.

I put my daughter on the bus today...3rd grade adventures...

We kinda had a bad night the other night. Ben's been emotional of course he is, finding out you have a brain tumor isn't something you do everyday. So he ended up frustrated with willow...she didn't really know how serious things are...so he told her. He told her as much as we know. I'm not sure how to handle any of this, she's 8. But if we didn't tell her and something happens to him would she have been mad if she didn't know anything? Or more of a shock. The only thing she said was that she was said cuz who would take her fishing or teach her guitar. She cried a lot. I'm sure it's extremely hard for her to understand. It only sets in with me here and there...I'll be ok and then BAM hits me...I feel like I'm going to pass out and then I bawl.

I feel like I've cried all my tears out. I know that can't be!

Getting a handle on the seizures is a huge deal. He's taking Dilantin and Keppra. The Dilantin isn't working and I guess to cover him they start the new med overlapping the old one and tomorrow he gets his blood checked. And eventually in a month he'll go off the Dilantin. And hopefully the Keppra works. Not one is it scary if he hurts himself...by falling or whatever...but is it going to do any brain damage? Or anything else inside him? It's so scary and I'm the only person who's seen him the two times. Someone who was perfectly healthly one minute to have a seizure ... seems impossible. Seems surreal. I have only left him here and there for like 5 minutes to get our mail...damn small town PO Box bull! I tell him to lay down and not move! And I fly!!! I hate leaving him...and if I want to do anything else I have to find someone to sit with him. I dont know what else to do. He has maybe a few seconds of feeling sick and then BAM! The scariest thing I've ever seen! Too much reality!

I feel like I must grow up and take care of my husband. No happiness is coming from any of this. I'm getting more stressed out about the mountain of bills coming our way...we've already gotten 11,000 worth and that's not even the start! bleh!!! We don't have insurance. We have enough money to live for one month...thanks to his vacation time and friends/family helping us. I'm so getting worried. His medicine alone is so expensive. No insurance sucks. I applied for a med card for him right after his stay the first time it's been a couple weeks and then I did again with my case worker. Someone please send us something! Now waiting for a link card to feed my family. How did all this happen? HOW? We were getting our stuff together and almost happy for a week!

You want to think none of this matters keeping him healthy and alive is what we need to do. But I'm trying to balance and keep things together and I am not sure how much I have in me to get it done. If we didn't have Wil to take care of well...we do soo. Things would be way different. Life goes on...school...activities...

Picking what is most important is still not an easy thing to do. Keeping Ben happy is harder by the minute. If he's not feeling good he's feeling depressed. and bored. We have to wait until sept. 14th...to see the Dr. then probably get referred at that time. LOTS of waiting and we are not patient people. Trying though!

I feel bad for Mae, his mom...she works at a cancer center in the office. And has to go back to work today. After dealing with her son's brain cancer for two weeks now. How is she doing it? I am not sure! I feel for her!

I am hoping for a good day. We get to meet Wil's teacher tonight and Willow is going to help with the girl scout's table recruiting girls! lol I hope they get some!!! :)

This is where the wedding vows get real.

Everyone gets to go home at the end of the day and deal with their issues or life. We go home and it's back to pills and not sleeping through the night. Does anyone know what it really means to be there for someone through it all? This is the most selfless I've ever been. Since August 7th, I've done nothing but cared for my husband and daughter. Nothing new really but I haven't even thought about anything else. I'm in autopilot mode. I'm doing what I should be doing. I love Ben.

Yesterday was our first day out after surgery. We went into town where most of our family lives. I was nervous at how people would act towards all of us but mostly Ben. They saved us a close parking spot at the park that was nice. He started out ok. I forgot a chair...bad caregiver...so he sat at a picnic table for awhile. Everyone talked to him. Everyone asked me how he was really doing. I felt mad and wanted to say How would u feel if you had brain cancer? Dumb question..oh he's fine just great.

So while standing around worrying about him I couldn't have any kind of good normal time. His color starting fading and I looked at him for the first time and thought he's sick. I can see it. He decided that he was going fishing with his brother and best friend. We had talked about it and I thought it was too soon. So in front of them I just said my part. Well I felt like shit. I said well if you go to your mom's take a nap get some food take your pills then you can go for like an hour. lol I'm 31 and he's 32 and now he's my child. I felt bad. So I was just talking it out with him. I don't want to keep him from what he loves to do. So that is how the night went. He had a good time caught some fish. And felt ok I guess.

I'm just a reminder of all that is bad.

I realized real quick. Everyone will get his good and I'll get his sick and feeling like crap and moody and grumpy and needing me for everything. I just figured out what my part is in all this. I have nobody to talk to really. Talking to him is just not good.

So now it's almost 8am and he's wiped out from yesterday still in bed. I got up and made him coffee and rolls...hoping for that same feeling ok he had last night.

He kinda was mean lastnight to Willow. She's upset worrying about xmas this year. Well normal 8 year old. She doesn't know the whole story. So it's not fair to get angry with her. Ben did. He got mad at her and then talked to her and told her he could be dying. Not sure if that was the best time or way for my 8 year old daughter to hear that. This is getting out of control.

She cried.

I didn't want this hanging over her head. I wanted to give her a normal life. A happy childhood. Even I her mother can't control all.

FRIG! I'm so angry.

We have the right puzzle pieces but they will never fit all the way. They never have. We feel in love in high school. We have been through some really tough times. Always feeling like this is right cuz we love each other so much. Things feel so comfortable and right.

Cancer is going to beat us. We can be positive and we can hope. For sure. Being positive the will for life people say goes a long way. Not sure right now if it's enough!

I've never experienced a loved one being ill or dying NEVER. Not up close. And now the only person I've ever loved or loved me is the ONE. I question my ability to deal witha ll this. I'm sliding down the slope and can't stop.

Everyday is waking up to this nightmare and wishing u could go back to sleep and start over again. How do people make it through this stuff? How can I keep my family together? Not sure I'm strong enough.

Life has changed as we know it and will never be the same!

On August 7th it was any normal Friday night. Ben got home from work at 4:40pm...I hadn't been feeling good, planning on getting this poisoned gallbladder out soon...I had been laying down and didn't fix dinner for the first time in forever!!! Ben worked on his mom's friends truck til late. Came in we talked a bit he crashed cuz he had to get up and work on Sat morning for OT. I woke up at 3am to him sitting up in bed, I thought he was going to get sick, and he said what's going on? And by time I put the light on, he had thrown his body off the bed and fell in between the bed and wall and starting seizing. I didn't know what to do, I was tired enough to NOT panic. I ran to the phone called 911.

He's 32, never had any health issues at all. Why was this happening?

I had them take him to our nearest hospital down the street. So scared and worried and in shock! He was out of it. The seizure had lasted quite awhile.

My mother in law was the next call. The police officer drove me to my daughter's friends house and she was safe until I found out what was going on.

I met my mother in law in the hospital...they had NO clue what had happened. By then he had woken up and kept repeating himself wow what happened? I was so scared.

He then got a scan of his head. They told us there is something there but didn't know what. He needed to be transferred to a bigger hospital for an MRI. So that is what we did. Thankfully my brother drove up 30 minutes got Willow, our daughter and between his family and my mom they watched her for us. We went to the big hospital. They put him on seizure med called "Dilantin". So far in shock so it hadn't hit me yet.

LONG time waiting on Dr.s and tests...all was ok...except they told us he has a brain tumor. A WHAT???? WHAT? WHAT? I felt like someone hit me over the head. I started bawling. Ben froze. His mom, works at a Cancer center...knowing too much...she started to cry. The Dr. told us he needed surgery right away...if he didn't he might have a year to live. It was in his right temple region in his brain and it went in deep. So if he was careful he'd get the more aggressive part out and do what he could. But the biggest risk is he could be paralyzed on his left side. Where it is, it wouldn't affect many things cuz those are on the other side of his head. I knew there were many more bad risks but you can't drive yourself crazy.

You don't know the right questions to ask. You can't process or have time to if you could. I didn't want to upset Ben so I didn't ask him a bunch. We knew what needed done...he came home and we had a "normal" night with our daughter. Hoping he'd wake up and know us. We went in to the hospital at 4:30am...surgery was at 8, 6 hours later...he was out...and in critical care unit. Very strict rules to visit...I couldn't stay in his room.

When we finally got to see him he was sitting in his bed. He looked normal. Besides a large 8 inch cut on the side of his head and many staples. He moved around very much in pain and confused. Sick. He looked at me and said Autumn, see I know who you are. He said hi to his mom. He acted so normal. He was him. While I felt relieved...I felt that same rush hit on the head feeling and I had to sit down...it hit me like a ton of bricks. I had to leave the room. I went down to the bathroom and a weeks worth of pain and fear poured out of me. I cried so hard. I felt at that moment I can't do this. I can't lose him. I can't. I had a bad panic attack.

I called my mom and let it out. I love him so much. I've loved him for 16 years half my life. We had plans. We just had a horrible year of unemployment and losing everything and starting over and getting on our feet we were happy for a short while. and now this.

In shock. So scared. Everyone has rallied behind us...and is helping us. He can't work so we are in NO income zone. We have NO insurance...no money. If shock and denial didn't exist for us we'd have lost our minds.

So now he's healing. He's uncomfortable...in pain...sick. Had another seizure days later after his surgery and now has a new and very expensive medicine...on top of the others. The pain med doesn't take it all away. I can't sleep or leave him alone so afraid he'll have another seizure...and hurt himself or wake up someone else.

Living a nightmare...everything is not the same.

I love this man and can't even describe how I feel to see him go through this...and we are just beginning! I want him to live a long life but I know deep down...

Hear that? it's been brainstormin'

So I've been doing a lot of thinking. I love the idea of an open house but if probably won't bring a lot of my family in. They have to drive 30 minutes and I'm not sure I'm worth all that! So If I had a party there a like two weekends to have it. I have an idea of doing a vintage owl theme. Invites/cupcakes/decor'.

It will all revolve around owls. Which are spooky and cute all in one.

Halloween on the brain.

So I find myself pondering the whole want to have a halloween party. It would be our first in our new house. I've done it all to simple to all out thrown together last minute to plan plan plan ahead. Always short on money. NO credit cards to speak of...what to do what to do. I browse these websites where no doubt people took a lot of their time and energy and typed out how they made this and that. I'm kinda passed all that.

I love new ideas, they are hard to come by. I look for inspiration...with horror and halloween it comes down to classic. So many things are scary to people...different things. So I go with what scares me or what would have years ago. I go with cute, scary, gorey. Honestly living in a new town I was a bit weary of what to put out, if I hang a little girl with a jumprope from a tree would that offend the 90 year old lady across the st. ? Why do I care? Well I live in a small town now, NOT like before. I lived for 8 years on a non busy st. Most people got a kick out of my decor' even taking pics in front of it, but very underground. lol Not a ton of passerbyers. So in a town like this the entire town could see my yard. So that is some pressure to say the least.

Anyway. I did see on this site how to make a body with old clothes and duct tape. I love that idea. That is something that could last and that would be moldable. I like it.

my cat is puking...nothing better to hear in the mornin than that, oh now my dog is eating it. yum...the sounds in the dark. Most people miss this stuff cuz they are sleeping. Not me.

ANYWAY...I want to drag out my Halloween stuf and get going on it. I'd love to have a place big enough to make these props of people and leave them up. That would be so cool. I still love halloween, but I want to do it up props, party, food, decor', costumes, candy, school stuff...without freaking out over the money. When you don't have extra money it's like you either never do a thing or you get real creative. I vote for the second thing! I missed halloween last year cuz we moved in OcT. not at spare second last year to plan or a dime to do anything. I don't know if I want to do a party, cuz I just don't know anyone who would come...my family comes but no one is really into it...besides a handful a people. I am thinking open house. And the trick or treators neighbors might get an invite. maybe...ll OR just do it up for my family and if they want to come out they can. I am so tired right now I can't think straight.

Girl Scout Treasure Hunt for backyard campout!

Brownie Girl Scout Troop #1168 Campout 2010 TREASURE HUNT!
Directions: Figure out the clues or puzzle, once you know what you are hunting for go find it!
Good Luck Girl Scouts!
(if you need help key to puzzle will be down below)
1. I spin and also cool you!
_ _ _
6 1 14
2. I light up the night!
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
7 12 15 23 19 20 9 10
3. I'm round and sparkling!
_ _ _ _ _ _ _
2 21 2 2 12 5 19
4. You can use me to write or draw amazing things!
_ _ _
16 5 14
5. Fill me with info, stories, or drawings!
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
14 15 20 5 2 15 15 11
6. I make decorating fun!
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
19 20 9 3 11 5 18 19
7. I come in many colors and you can make beautiful art with me!
_ _ _ _ _ _ _
13 1 18 11 5 18 19
8. Please play a game with me!
_ _ _ _ _
3 1 18 4 19

KEY!
1=A 6=F 11=K 16=P 21=U 26=Z
2=B 7=G 12=L 17=Q 22=V
3=C 8=H 13=M 18=R 23=W
4=D 9=I 14=N 19=S 24=X
5=E 10=J 15= O 20=T 25=Y

I hope the girls have fun and are challenged...it was more cute with my pictures and fonts...but I couldn't get it here the same way it was done. bleh anyway here it is! When they find the item they get to keep it! going to go to Walmart and $ Tree for prizes.

Answers:

FAN (small hand held)

glowstix

bubbles

pen

notebook

stickers

markers

cards

Losing this bAattle or just starting to fight it

So lastnight we were sitting here. And I started getting really bad stomach pains. It wasn't a bathroom situation OR a throwing up one either. So I instantly panicked. I hollered at Ben to take me something isn't right. This happened a couple other times and I'm so freaking out what the hell is wrong with me. So he drove me and Willow in the rain up the road to our little hometown ER. The whole time questioning what was I doing? Do I know how much this is going to cost? NO INSURANCE So I go in and boom hit with a I know the RN, she's super sweet but my wall can't come down now for sure.

So I get in the room and my pain goes away and I'm ok. I can breathe I'm not hot no panic.

I give blood give a very short version of 31 years of anxiety issues. And out the door I went with two scripts. One for tummy issues cuz I might have something going on with my gall bladder. And another for xAnax, the drug of choice cuz everybody I know is on it or has taken it for anxiety or depression. I was happy to know my blood came back OK. NOW I have to finish what I started and go see a Dr. pay for the scripts to get filled. And deal with whatever lies ahead.

On one hand I'm sick about the ER bill. For two I'm nervous about the whole Dr. thing. Trust issues I guess. Also, I feel like maybe I can feel OK again someday. I can feel happier and better and less worried all the time. Maybe I can finally get a job if I get this help I need. I didn't see worry or stress in Ben's eyes last night I saw good now she will get the help she's been needing for awhile.

Life.

HORROR NOTES:
One a side note full of horror! I am brainstorming for my dummies to be. I plan to get working on them this week! Or month. I know for sure I want to do the Mad scientist and witch. I am not sure what else yet...besides Michael Myers in the house looking out. lol for sure.

So how to make the bodies this year. We are dealing with massive wind and rain. So it has to be sturdy, I'm thinking wood post with concrete blocks holding it down from all angles. And somehow make waterproof body filled with filling to look like a soft human body. Then walla

I need to finish my antique stroller to set out IF it's nice out. And of course put creepy babies and dolls in it.

I have an old tub to put lit up bones in front of the witch. /with stroller to the side.

Then I want to make a lab table for the DR! And put out the little things maybe even glue them so they can't be stolen or lost or fall off??? good idea

I want to do it up this year show these people what halloween is all about! :)

I have my wooden coffin too to fill.

The storming in my brain will continue hopefully!

I have to do costumes too. Wil plans on going as a zombie 50's girl...which I could do too it would be cute!

memories and twilight dreams

We checked out the local carnival, "flea market", tractor pulls last night. Willow was happy she found a white lamb beanie baby...she loves those things. Even though we got rid of bags upon bags of stuffed animals when we moved in last Oct. I like the little ones better...they fit nice in her lil pink net on the wall! I had huge shelves full when I was growing up. I think as a mom you forget sometimes what it's like to be little. I don't remember most of my child hood. So I try to make a point to lay off and loosen up sometimes to let her just be a kid. To find that balance of teaching how to grow up with responsibilities and then to just have fun and be silly and be a little 8 year old girl. I tried by going on rides yesterday OMG has been a very long time. I don't even remember. I didn't get sick thankfully and it was fun. I felt free and laughed and almost happy. We played a game or two. Later on my friend Angie brought her kids out. She hasn't seen my house since puddieing up holes in OCT 09. She helped me so much that day! Anyway it was awesome she made it out and they got to have a lil fun.

So I'm up early again this morning. Sadie, our 12 year old Pitbull woke me up crying. I woke up and couldn't believe we all went to bed and left the door wide open. So crazy. Nothing disturbed.

I have this naggin guilt doesn't matter how much money we have or not. If it's in the budget or not I must decide and order digital pictures. Inside info. I don't have many memories or pictures of my life growing up. So I've been taking pictures since I was 7 years old. And of course between my kitties and dog and daughter I have gotten a hobbie going. I love to scrapbook but but but $$$ always is an issue. So anyway I have a walgreens and walmart account with 100s of pics. I'm learning how to pick and choose and only order what I love. What I want to remember and keep. It's tough! And I'm backed up. Not to mention the 100s I have in boxes not in books. It makes me sick and sad. Another reason to get a job so I can afford my hobbies! (another story for another time)

My cousin Andie who recently moved to WA is beggin me to come out and visit and go to Forks, WA and stay there in a cabin. I would love to. We owe so many people how can I justify taking a trip across the country? That and my anxiety keep from having much fun. Or working for that matter which makes money tight always.

Today is the 4th of July. Most people are getting together with family. Mine is not. My dad and sisters are not in my life. While I don't sit up crying at night about it I do miss them from time to time. And Willow really misses them too. Haven't spoken in quite awhile. GUILT!

My mom probably wont' come out cuz her dog or the heat. My brother pretty much spends his time with his wife and kids and their family...don't blame him there. We've never really been much of a family. Noone ever taught us how to be. so we are with our families. And we never really get together. I feel like holidays are obligations for everybody. Not really fun. I miss Ian my brother, his wife and kids a lot. They are great people to know.

So Ben's mom and brother and daughter are coming out. Mae his mom is great...always doing for us. She is bringing food and I put the lil pool up for the kids to swim. the girls love and hate each other. And it does stress me out. She brings out the worst in my daughter. Which makes me sad and angry and all of the above. It's such a long and drama filled story and I don't want to dwell on it all right now. maybe later.

So we are going to take the girls to the carnival, have some eats, and watch fireworks hopefully seeing them from our house! That would make this a perfect day. It is now calling for rain which sucks. But what can You do???

Why do reasons of certain things become so crazy in my mind?

Happy 4th of July weekend

Happy 4th of July weekend!

It's our first year here for the 4th. We moved to a small town of around 1000 people. I was told they love celebrating their independance.

They have a great weekend planned. It's nice to have something to do in walking distance...which this town has a shortage of...besides getting mail at the post office.

They have tractor pulls, baseball games, carnival rides, car shows, parade, and fireworks...Oh don't forget food. I'm actually excited about the rides.

Years ago I got hit in the eye with a firework...ping pong ball with gun powder...brother in laws back in the day when people were idiots! So anyway in a crowd I got hit, my eye swolled shut, and we left the party. Thankfully NO damage was done permantely anyway. But I never liked the 4th after that. Of course we started going and getting fireworks and my husband Ben lets them off for my daughter Willow of course. It reminds him of his dad whos been gone for years now. So we do it. We celebrate our freedom..

Although I appreciate being free somedays I wonder how free we really are.

Hope u all enjoy spending this time with your family or friends.

Happy 4th of July!

My latest and greatest obsession

Seriously obsessed with fantasizing about my 10th anniversary. Since I'm a homemaker on a seriously tight and imaginative budget I have to be creative. Next Sept 1, 2011 that is my husband and I's 10th wedding annivesary.

To start out I'd say this from the beginning horror the cheesier the better brought us together. On the nights we spent together at age 15 and 16 (1994 btw) we would choose to go to the local small town movie store and rent us the worst horror movie on the shelf. I chose strictly on gore from the back pictures. If there was none I wouldn't rent! So anyway here on out...when we got married in 2001 we were dreaming of a Halloween themed wedding on Oct 13th of course...BUT it was so normal and not original in our town to be married this way. Also falling to family's pressure and also I never went to prom so I wanted a big white dress! I kind of regret it. I feel like I didn't know myself at age 22 enough to be married or to plan a wedding. I did an awesome job but it wasn't me and it wasn't us at all!!! ANYWAY!

Faced forward to 9 years later, one kid later(8), two houses, 3 moves, lots of drama, layoff, losing family and friends...I've grown up quite a bit. And at age 31 I know myself a little more. And I dream of planning a lovely gorerific 10th anniversary dinner party. With everything I didn't get the first time. Of course money is always an issue. So I have to pick and choose what's on the top of my list. I start with a notebook of ideas...and I collect pictures online, not to steal ideas but to get an idea of what I really want. And whats been done...so I can outdo! whwhahaha

So back to planning my 10th horror fest. IN MY DREAMS: I'd rent a horrific castle, everything would be black with blood red accents. Me in a huge red tulle dress. Think Lydia Beetlejuice. And him in a vintage burgundy tux with blood stains of course. I will decorate in all black with candles. Any horror design. Not that far yet. Simple and eerie of course. I love to make Horror food for my Halloween parties...will post pictures one day.

btw I look at other's halloween party ideas and I know I could offer something to this world with mine! Just gathering them and scanning them...would be enough to last me a lifetime.

I've done several in hopes of annually having a Halloween party but life gets in the way sometimes. Last year we moved to a new town. The problem I have with parties is that we know few people that are into Halloween. So I have decisions to make about whether I will have one this year. I love the idea of an Open House.

Anyway my thoughts are all over the place. My first blog. I hope to share and for someone out there to get something from it!

I'm all about it.

My first blog ever. I'm going to introduce this world to me with my love for horror pin up and all that follows!