angry or is it sad...

SO it's been 1 month and 3 days since Ben's surgery. We've gone through seizures and changing of meds, an overnight EEG nothing from that. We have bowts of anxiety that keep life strained. Draining whatever.
Yesterday he had his monthly with his neurosurgeon...then referred to a Oncologist...which we went today. I'm trying to keep strong, to reach out when I need to. Only to feel very isolated and alone mostly. I put on this brave face. I keep going...giving meds making sure everyone is taken care of. Trying to put on this mask of normalcy. I'm not normal.
This is not ok with me. I'm watching my husband suffer. I can't do anything from that tumor to stop growing.
So he's going to do radiation M-F for 6 weeks or so. Nevermind the driving 30 minutes for a 15 minute appt...or the gas money we don't have. But to see him worrying I see it in his eyes. He's scared. So strong. He's so worried that it's going to take what little energy he has now. And what if something else happens or more seizures...although it should help with them. Seeing his MRIs for the first time today...wow. It's real. Ben has a tumor in his brain. They got what they could but it's in there still. It can grow deeper or wherever it wants to. As fast or as slow as it wants to.

When I met Ben I was 15...I've been with him longer than not, being 31 now...I don't know if people understand how deep this goes. He is my best friend. He is the ONLY person who has ever loved me. Or showed me unconditional love. He loves me. He makes me feel beautiful. He's laying in bed after brain surgery and he's worried about ME. lol that killed me. Seeing him after surgery killed me. It all came down on me like a ton of bricks. Basically I could lose him. How did this happen? Why did this have to happen to Ben to us? To Willow. ??? WHY?

Hope, Peace, and Love is all we have now. We don't have money to pay our bills. We don't have anything at all but each other which will have to do right?

sigh

I'm exhausted but can't sleep. I want to cry or scream or punch someone. But I'm numb. He is the most wonderful person I've ever known not just saying that he is such a great person...to watch him lose everything then fear he'll lose his mind or body functions...or to not know me or Willow...it's f'd up! It killsme. It kills me!

I know we aren't the only ones suffering from this bullshit. It's so hard. It's tough keeping up this strong FAKE brave face. I'm numb. I have to be. If I think about him or losing him I can't do this. I want to run. His greatest fear is for me to leave. And my greatest fear is losing him.