memories and twilight dreams

We checked out the local carnival, "flea market", tractor pulls last night. Willow was happy she found a white lamb beanie baby...she loves those things. Even though we got rid of bags upon bags of stuffed animals when we moved in last Oct. I like the little ones better...they fit nice in her lil pink net on the wall! I had huge shelves full when I was growing up. I think as a mom you forget sometimes what it's like to be little. I don't remember most of my child hood. So I try to make a point to lay off and loosen up sometimes to let her just be a kid. To find that balance of teaching how to grow up with responsibilities and then to just have fun and be silly and be a little 8 year old girl. I tried by going on rides yesterday OMG has been a very long time. I don't even remember. I didn't get sick thankfully and it was fun. I felt free and laughed and almost happy. We played a game or two. Later on my friend Angie brought her kids out. She hasn't seen my house since puddieing up holes in OCT 09. She helped me so much that day! Anyway it was awesome she made it out and they got to have a lil fun.

So I'm up early again this morning. Sadie, our 12 year old Pitbull woke me up crying. I woke up and couldn't believe we all went to bed and left the door wide open. So crazy. Nothing disturbed.

I have this naggin guilt doesn't matter how much money we have or not. If it's in the budget or not I must decide and order digital pictures. Inside info. I don't have many memories or pictures of my life growing up. So I've been taking pictures since I was 7 years old. And of course between my kitties and dog and daughter I have gotten a hobbie going. I love to scrapbook but but but $$$ always is an issue. So anyway I have a walgreens and walmart account with 100s of pics. I'm learning how to pick and choose and only order what I love. What I want to remember and keep. It's tough! And I'm backed up. Not to mention the 100s I have in boxes not in books. It makes me sick and sad. Another reason to get a job so I can afford my hobbies! (another story for another time)

My cousin Andie who recently moved to WA is beggin me to come out and visit and go to Forks, WA and stay there in a cabin. I would love to. We owe so many people how can I justify taking a trip across the country? That and my anxiety keep from having much fun. Or working for that matter which makes money tight always.

Today is the 4th of July. Most people are getting together with family. Mine is not. My dad and sisters are not in my life. While I don't sit up crying at night about it I do miss them from time to time. And Willow really misses them too. Haven't spoken in quite awhile. GUILT!

My mom probably wont' come out cuz her dog or the heat. My brother pretty much spends his time with his wife and kids and their family...don't blame him there. We've never really been much of a family. Noone ever taught us how to be. so we are with our families. And we never really get together. I feel like holidays are obligations for everybody. Not really fun. I miss Ian my brother, his wife and kids a lot. They are great people to know.

So Ben's mom and brother and daughter are coming out. Mae his mom is great...always doing for us. She is bringing food and I put the lil pool up for the kids to swim. the girls love and hate each other. And it does stress me out. She brings out the worst in my daughter. Which makes me sad and angry and all of the above. It's such a long and drama filled story and I don't want to dwell on it all right now. maybe later.

So we are going to take the girls to the carnival, have some eats, and watch fireworks hopefully seeing them from our house! That would make this a perfect day. It is now calling for rain which sucks. But what can You do???

Why do reasons of certain things become so crazy in my mind?