It's been awhile

Life always seems to change drastically. Nothing small or minute around here. lol That last post was in June 2012. Well long story short!

Ben starting having seizures again. They found patches, new ones from the 6 Month MRI, his first btw. And BAM! a month  later it grew quite a bit. They were saying around an inch. So they were saying surgery, again. It hadn't been two years from the first one. Nevermind radiation. So we went on vacation to WI, had a great time. Ben was enduring small seizures the whole time, daily. He pushed through and went fishing, we had lots of family time together, great memories.

We came home and got ready for surgery it got moved up a week on us and July 5th, 2nd surgery. They got what they could. The path came back more agressive dealing with Grade 3 now, and he's been on chemo since.

Things have changed quite a bit since all of that. He's healed from surgery. THankfully he didn't experience any bad bad side effects. Mentally he's kicked down a bit. We all are.

I update  his caring bridge page and on fb but not here...

I did start school. Business that has been a ride. It's crazy how much I can do in my free time. I have been volunteering as well...that makes things better!

Not between Ben and I though. :/ Things are hard.

He's really depressed. I'm now taking meds galore to keep my sanity and need to get on my health more. 

Spending time with Willow...that makes me happy now. Getting together with friends helps a lot too.

I let days fly by

Hm I let days fly by.


Some days I say cleaning and laundry are things I have to do but not need to do.  haha 


Then when I realize how dirty my house is and how no one has clean clothes I feel guilty.


So I waste an entire day cleaning and doing laundry.


Thinking to myself I don't need any of this shit.


I could have 3 outfits and 3 undies and I'd be alright.


haha


I need my computer and music and food


nothing else


no one else


well


I'm so empty right  now.


Waiting on this and that...controlling anxiety lurking right beneath the surface, shhh don't tell me I said so though.  Denial...misspelled every time.


I'm eating to make myself feel better 30lbs later I know it'll fall right off again when Ben goes through this next battle.


No biggie cuz I don't care what I look like.  I wish I could care enough about my health...but I can't right now.  


Tired of being up on my high horse...need a break.


Can't wait for vacation hope I can rise above the crazy and have peace and fun!  I need to do drugs lol  :P


Honestly


seriously


wishful thinking


I've never been a drinker or one for drugs.  


Do they really have fun?  


I can't release though so that could help with that...lol  


oh well it is me


I'm at peace by water and quiet with some music


filling my mp3 this week


can't wait for the river and jacuzzi


ahhh


getting away from it all


taking it with us though


how do you really forget things?


I hope MNL can relax and let go a bit...so Ben isn't driven nuts!  


I wait for the other shoe to drop she waiting and expecting the other anvil to drop


this next week we get seriously scary MRI results.  can't control what already is so not worrying today


so I tell myself


over and over again


he went shooting all day today, he's really nervous this time.


decidely so


Listening to Nirvana makes me remember being younger.  :)

no good title

I guess one you feel like you are alone and you've never had anyone to count on before you just begin at some point I can't say when, but you can't trust anyone.  I was let down so many times growing up that I became just that.  Probably why I'm so uptight or stressed out or anxiety ridden.  I've never asked for help...when I did it was truly one of the hardest things I probably have done.  I never want to be let down again.


Then Ben came along and it took years for me to trust him fully.  And then I relied on him even scarier. He proved me wrong every time, he proved to me that people can be loving & caring & loyal & trustworthy.  Sometimes I question my naivesss...like no way no one is this good.  No one!  But to this day he's not proven me right.  


I don't naturally trust people in my life.  I would rather be alone and deal alone.  And work through things like this without their opinions or their feelings that will over shadow we were talking about. I guess being brought up by a very selfish human being my mother...I never felt like I mattered.  My opinion my feelings myself.  If I knew one thing it was people hurt you, especially people who should love you, hurt you.  When they are trying their hardest and giving all they can it won't ever be enough.  Maybe I'm not easy to love.  


I don't like to be close to people.  I like friends online and far away family.  It's not real.  It is real but just not in your face real.  


I can crawl in my hole whenever I like.  I can walk away from the computer and not justify myself or feel bad or feel anything.


In life, I've done a great job of letting people see what I want. I believe everyone is like this.  As soon as I open up I regret it. I become vulnerable. I cannot do this shit. People friends any of it.  


I cannot do this.  


I don't want to.


No one's opinion matters.  


I never said I was a good person.  But I do believe that most of the time I try to be.  Why do I feel badly if people have opinions of me that might not be true. Who cares?  I have my friends. I like my friends.


Today I dreamt of driving around the US meeting all my online friends.  How would that be? Just lunch or dinner or just hanging out, nothing huge, no huge commitments. I could be a rolling stone never ever staying too long!  :/  That's what I want.  


I could run forever...until I could no longer run!

I can do what I can

Sometimes I can't be everything to everyone.
Right now my husband is fighting for his life literally.
He's showing new symptoms and ignoring it.
The stress there is do I call the Dr. or do I respect his wishes and listen to him.
It's always on me.
His mom would call.
And expects me to, cuz it could be something they can fix and might kill him.
So I should call.
But he asked me not to.
Well he said he wants me to listen to him.
And that I could call.
So while I'm being strong or barely able to be strong for him and our daughter and myself to take care of everything in our life.
I might not be able to be there for friends.
Even if they are going through something equally horrible.
I am not being selfish.
I have to save my strength for him.
I shouldn't feel badly.
They have support.
We don't have a lot of support.
Most people don't know what we are going through.
But if I needed help I would ask.
This isn't something anyone could help me on anyway.
I'm just that way.
I want help but will never ask.
Help as in someone please tell me what I should be doing.
How do I care for my 34 year old husband fighting brain cancer?

P.S. I love you

I went through my P.S. I love you faze, I read the book was disappointed by the not half as good movie, but intrigued by the hotness of Jeffrey Dean Morgan so it's half good... :) heehee

But I watched it today...now remembering how Gerry dies, a brain tumor.  How different the movie is to me now.  I cried...a bit.  Which I feel like sometimes my tears will be dried up by now.

The entire movie to me now means getting through a tragic loss and moving on, cuz we are alone in the end.  We are.  This is my life.  Right now I'm sharing it with Ben & Willow but overall when all is said and done I will be alone.

I get so frustrated when we aren't getting along knowing deep down it's so not important.  I feel so much guilt when I don't want to do something, I have my excuses...then I hate myself afterwards like wth is my problem. 

I miss Ben.  He's still Ben or this new Ben...but I miss him so much.  I try so hard to look beyond everything and appreciate our life and our time together.  I try.  I'm not succeeding though. 

I don't appreciate the small things today.  :(

I'm pissed about the big things! 

I'm mad as hell that our life has been f'd up and it won't ever be the same and most likely anytime soon will suck more.  :/  That's what we have to look forward to. That's why it's so easy to ignore thoughts of our "future".  I try to be positive but deep down...I know better. 

We live silently side by side, ignoring everything around us.  Just to get through each day with some sort of peace and happiness.  Knowing all the while it will end sooner than later. Those dreams we had are gone, well not gone they still exist, but now we realize that they won't happen. The Drs. want us to stay positive, cuz that's what keeps sick people alive...positivity. yep.  So they tell you things like oh I have this patient they've been dx for 20 years out...and in my mind I'm like ok...Ben's DX at 32 so that means he might live until he's 50 if we are super duper lucky.  Or will he be tortured for years to come?

This is stuff I can't tell anyone so I'm here knowing that people can read it, but I don't care if you judge me.  I'm selfish...sorry I wanted the one person I loved and relied on to live until I died what about that? I wanted my husband to see his daughter drive & graduate & help me with her first boyfriend & to walk her down the aisle if she gets married...to be a grandparent with me...once Willow graduated and moved on with her life we were going to enjoy us for once in a long time. We got married so young and had her right away, it's always been about her...we had done things but not very often...she's always first of course.  So it was going to be our time together.  Now I hope he makes it to see her turn 11.  I hope he's capable and understanding and is here. 

In the spare room living his life.  Seperate from us.  We do eat dinner together, which is huge.  We try but emotions and tempers on all our accounts are always so high and bad that usually now when we do do something, we fight and or someone ends up mad and sad.  It sucks. 

shhhh I know I'm appreciative, I have had him almost 2 years out DX of a horrible terminal disease that takes people daily.  I've been a bit close to a couple...well not close but close enough. I hate getting close to anyone sick now.  I can't lose him. 

I can't give him everything I've ever had and lose him.  And how will I make it up to Willow.That's when I have to remind myself to take this crap one day ONE DAY at a time...not worry about the future cuz I can't control what's going to happen. 

I just wish I had that on a recorder to remind myself daily.  I can do this shit!

wishing people were in my life today

Do you ever have a feeling of wishing people were in your life?  In a perfect world, people would be loving and kind.  I've gotten more kindness and love shown to me by complete strangers over my own flesh and blood.  Certain days this makes me sad. 

I can live without my dad in my life cuz mostly that's how it should be.  He couldn't ever show me love so therefore I walked away and he gladly let me.  To me this showed me a lot.  I would never let my kid no matter how old walk away from me forever.  And he still is in my brother's life, who isn't even his kid.  And his kids, which kills me cuz my daughter is his only grandchild.  I've never told him once he couldn't talk to her or see her, he just is this way. Always has been with me anyway.

Then his second family...and his two other daughters he loves.  But lets make this clear as he made his 3rd family them moved all the way across the country to rebuild a life for theirselves. I'm always jealous of them.  They are tall, skinny, beautiful, smart, creative, world conscious, they have the love of our father and he supports them through and through always will I suppose. 

They are on fb but won't talk to me.  That hurts.  I haven't spoken to the youngest who is ten years younger than me in years...and the other one she is 9 years younger than me for a couple years...she did talk to my daughter once onlline. At some point they cut me out and my daughter out too.  It's too hard for them they felt like they had to pick and so I'm out.  I'm totally used to that, that's how their father is. 

So anyway I wish the girls were in my life.  But they aren't.  Something that I will always hurt over.  :(

Irony takes hold their half sister and myself are like sisters...we've only met once years ago, she is closer to my age and she has been a really great friend to me!  She's an awesome person. 

So we can't pick our family.  I wish it was easier somedays.

I can't really even wrap my mind around that when Ben got sick they couldn't even email me or anything.  They've known him since they were 5 years old!  And had to know how much I needed them.  But nothing, not even from my own father, so are they jerks whatever.

I don't feel like I've done anything.  One time I told my dad how I felt.  I tried to explain it to the girls how I never felt like he loved me.  it's my problem.  I have never felt loved by either of my parents, my problem.

I'll get over eventuallly one day.  It does however make me incredible sad that my sisters won't talk to me.  It hurts me a lot.

Ben's 34th Western outlaw birthday party!

Ben had a great birthday! Thanks to his mom and cousin we did it up in cowboy, outlaw themed!  It was fun. Some came dressed up in their outlaw duds!  I loved it! 

Group photo, some were missing but overall had a nice crowd!

Ben's Brownie guitar!

Loot Bags filled with yellow chocolate popcorn gold!

S'more cupcakes!

Favors(ball jars with tag) & Keepsake framed photo & sheriff badges!

Cake table!

Banner from Shindigz(only $15) & homemade chandelier & wanted signs!

The County Jail and cowboy was made by Ben's cousin/PHOTO PROP!

Of course a bonfire, haybales, & marshmallows!

Buffet style Menu:

Drinks: Sweet Tea, Water(in metal tin), Root Beer, and Punch

Taco Bar, Hotdogs, weenies, baked beans, chips cheese & salsa, caramel apple surprise, chocolate popcorn, brownie, cupcakes!

GAMES: bag toss & hillbilly golf!

So yee haw and so forth! It was a great time!  And fun theme!