April 14 2013

Life has been going on since my last post. It's been awhile I guess. I think I'm in a better place than I was a few months ago.

Things have been pretty quiet.

I woke up this morning thinking about writing that book, well getting it started anyways.

1st Came Love, Then Came Married, Then Came Brain Cancer?
I like it...

Going to update here.

We are in a decent place right now. Ben just had his 10th chemo treatment. The plan was 12/12 months so we don't know yet what will be the plan afterwards. We will see probably at his next appt and the end of this month. He has an MRI too. They have been clear. It's a good thing but it's almost impossible to not be nervous. Because we know how this works now. Or think we do until something happens we don't know about. We had this moment when I got sick last month and Ben was caring for me. We rebonded. He was really here for me. And he tried really hard to take care of everything on top of his own treatment etc. It was a touch week or so. But it woke me up. I had felt so alone and not married at all like he was gone already. But after all that happened it was a slap that I needed HE IS HERE. I need to work on remembering how tough this is for him. And not give up on pushing him to just participate in our life. Even when I want to give up because I do get really sad and a whole lot of other feelings that go up and down and all around.

I did start seeing a counselor. She is good. I only go about once a month, for gas money reasons and that I find it very exhausting. Not really the person to talk about themselves for an hour at a time. It feels odd. I've worked through some stuff. I do feel like stressed. The bad icky feelings come and go and don't stay as long as they did because I deal with it and move on. Trying to focus on staying  strong mentally. To be grown up. To reflect and not react. 

Which brings me to all the conflicting feelings I'm having about volunteering lately. There was a point in time that I took on alot to purposely be busy and not just be existing. I'm still in school but one class. I am still home schooling Willow which is going well. Besides the normal which I am finding out is normal resistance coming from Miss willowobee. But we are spending a lot of time together that we wouldn't have normally if she was in school. We are considering our/her options for 6th grade. It has been hard for her to make a friend and that is a concern for us both. She is lonesome. But we will figure it out. And I am still selling 31. Many people support me and got it going really fast. As we are winding down the spring catalog things are slow. But to be expected I need to find new customers. Today I'm actually going to a meeting to see new summer line. Excited they give free stuff too that is the best part! :)

So we are thinking that we might want to move back to where we moved from, where I grew up. I never wanted to. But there is something to spending more time with family that is good for us all. When I spend time with my family and friends and it's a good time I want more of that time. Ben would be closer and less driving we did our pro con list. It's just getting there now. Sell our house, buy a new house, having enough money to live while doing it all. No stress at all. And this big c lurking over our heads at all times never know when that bomb will be dropped. Right now things have been quiet and good for awhile. Once Ben's chemo had ben taken down a dose he was handling it a lot better. Those first 6 or 7 months of it he lost a lot of time. He's always exhausted for sure. So we can't wait to live. 

I think I might thrive on chaos. lol Can't enjoy the peaceful moment let's make it more crazy. I joke about it what is that about?! I always want to be in constant motion...until I don't. 

But going to visit the blog more. Less fb it's not where I want to be. I visit for my business, volunteering, and a couple friends & family. But other than that ready to move on from that time sucker. 

Have to get moving on house chores today. It's Sunday. I remember when I used to love Sundays. It was the only day Ben didn't jump up early and leave for work so we would lay in bed and I usually talked lol it was our only real time together. And I would love it. Make breakfast and just hang out. :) There is something about a normal boring life that I would give anything to have back! Now is almost like floating around just waiting for bad things to happen so we can get through them. Well that is how I feel. Not sure how Ben or Willow feels.

Realizing that life is good when you have something to look forward to this is a new revalation. If it's not babies or new careers or growing old together it can be other short term things. :)

Like Ben's 35th birthday; fishing theme(yes still planning and creating)
Family reunion
vacation to a new place

Gives me things to plan. Finishing up my first year of college. Not sure what I'm doing next semester right now. :/ Cleaning up the house to sell. Look for a new house. Oh yeah pack the whole house. On top of Ben finishing up chemo we hope. Willow finishing 5th grade. Our dog and kitties are healthy and happy and we love em too. Full house full of love.

This is life with brain cancer.