Today is a new day

Honestly after waking up early and not getting sleep and then sleeping.  I've woken up again this morning with a new outlook on life.  Period.  I will stop whining and feeling sorry for myself at least for today and try to be nicer and more enjoyable to be around.  I love my husband and I have to do this for him for myself for my daughter.  Enough is enough.  I'm going to be real, real kind.


Time is so short.  I'm going to stop counting time and enjoy it.  I have to stop this behavior or I will  never forgive myself.  


I'm hoping for a great day.  focusing on getting them a little something for easter, that's fun, even though I swore I wasn't going to.  A little something will be nice and fun, and I'll make them feel special.  :)  I want to create something with peeps!

unraveling

Unraveling

I woke up TOO early again this morning. Nothing good comes from me losing sleep.  I began looking people up on fb.  Remember those easy times when you just drove around stalking people, now it's easier and cheaper online.  haha  so I look up people that don't exist in my life.  When we moved almost 3 years ago to this small town 30 minutes from everyone we know, there were a long list of reasons for that move.  I cannot believe how small the world is.  Let's just pretend that life doesn't suck and people stay away when they know they aren't wanted! hahaha I have no clue but I definitely feel like most of the time the forces of the world hate me, yes me specifically and don't want me around anymore or want me around but completely miserable.  I'm fighting every time I open my eyes to not want to shut them.  The only time I have peace is when I'm sleep!  That's why I like it so much. 

When I got done writing on here yesterday, I read this messege I had on here...I don't use this much so I was like oh wow yeah wonder how that girl is doing? So went to her blog to read her posts and she passed away last month.  :(  She was one of the first people I found with brain cancer I had read alot of her posts and blogs and followed her story a bit.  She had responded to me with such kindness and sure she'd talk about the hardest thing in her life with me...whatever whenever.  And now she's gone. 

Another girl I met through a local fundraiser passed away a few months ago, and sadly her friend that she talked to me about because he's the same age as Ben thought they might hit it off, is on hospice now. 

I'm reminded that brain cancer can take Ben whenever it wants to.  It doesn't matter what he does, eats, anything it will take him when it wants to.  We have NO control.  so I lost it a bit.  I cried to ben (GUILT)  I'm one of those people who make the cancer patient feel like he's responsible for my well being.  I just don't know who to talk to.  I can't cry and let go in front of anyone I know.  What will they think?  I am automatically judged, cuz they think they know what they would do if they were in my shoes.  Like appreciate time together while you have it.  Well I'm pissed that I have to worry about the time we have together. I never thought for one second I wouldn't grow old with Ben. We've talked about it since we met.  We've had so much shit thrown at us and we are still standing beaten and bruised but still here pushing through the days like giant obstacles. We are gladiators for sure!  ahahha

so I'm upset over a 100 different things right now.  :( and NO one to talk to about it. they'd think I was crazy. 

do those big families and supporters truly exist or is it just in the movies?  Like people that want to take the pain away for you.  Surround you and bug you and love you.  I don't feel it.  I have always fantasized about a family life.  big family, dinners, get togethers, always together, kids friends together, bff with your brother and sisters, your parents want to hang out and spend time with your kid, us having a huge family of our own...I wanted 5 kids, then 3, I would have taken 2...but I have one that I adore don't get me wrong.  She's awesome and now that Ben is sick, I can reflect a bit and think well one is better.  Only one kid has to hurt so much.  Only one kid has to see her dad die. 

:( 

Willow mentioned one time that she didn't want to turn Ten because her grandpa died when her dad wad ten.  That is truly some crazy shit right there.  Then she has me worried about it.  We've joked/been serious bout this family being cursed.  do you believe in curses?  Is it real? could be.  Why do some families struggle and fight and go through hell and others sail through life and not ever dealing with the hard stuff. I know it always isn't what it seems but seriously there are people out there that have no idea what pain is.  And suffering.  And just plain ol depression. 

I've known it my whole life.

Yesterday gone, tomorrow not here yet

I wish I could say that I get it, I appreciate my life.  Yesterday I miss my old life, today I hate my new life.  That's what I really meant to say.  I'm shitty at faking it as well.  I suck at it pretty bad. I'm always snapping and screaming, who is this person I've become?  I'm so unhappy and mad and angry and done done done.  YES for crap sake it could always be worse. But it is pretty shitty right now.  I'm exhausted with my positive mask.  It does me NO good to focus on the good cuz it's such a huge reminder of what I hate about life.  Do people normally think several times a week that they must of been a mistake?  I have no reason to be here.  I have no one.  No one really.  People say that I'm not alone, but I sure feel alone. I'm tired of putting myself out there only to feel so isolated and judged.  I have to force myself to not care.  That's exhausting in itself.  I am such an angry bitter human being.  Why?  WHY?  I get mad at my husband for normal wife/husband things he's always done that drive me nuts.  THEN comes the guilt how dare I, with him having cancer how dare I?  Than the guilt of letting the little things get to me.  For instance.  I got so mad this morning.  Willow our daughter wanted to go to yard sales.  I know we don't have the money, Ben wanted to go he had already lost his temper and went off on her, which upset me, cuz he acts like he hates his own daughter that btw he never spends time with ever, so it's not like me losing it because we've spent an entire day together and she's crabby and being mean to me.  It's she's a kid, loud, annoying sometimes, but he truly shows her how much he hates it all.  So I was pissed at that and didn't really want him to come because he's so crabby all the time.  (guilt)  So we go, well low and behold no one grabbed the paper so we didn't have an address.  I'm like reminded at how if I don't do things they don't happen. Tired of that as well.  If I don't take care of anything it just doesn't happen? WTH when did that become the truth.  THEN off I go driving around this small town, no signs but one.  But Ben couldn't get a good look at it so I drove back to the sign, he insisted on reading.  I'm like it doesn't matter what that signs says because we do not know where that st is!!!!!!  I was so mad!  So I drove off.  Then we stop at this park so the dog can get out of the car...not after a huge blowout because other things...like him expecting me to read his mind or to hear him mumbling.  It's crazy.  I'm exhausted!  And he's constantly telling me things, I feel llike he's talking down to me.  Which I know he's smart but come on, really? I'm not an idiot, give me some friggin credit.  He acts like what I don't do that. Umm yeah ya do!  sigh! guilt for being mad kicks in...If he's with us, he complains about how he feels or this and that.  But he goes out with his friends under way worse condtions..???  It's only us he can't stand to be with, and honestly people aren't lining up at the door to visit.  We live 30 minutes from everyone we know, and he hasn't made any new friends out here.  But I can count on one hand how many visits he gets in a month under a few.  But he doesn't want anything to do with me.  Is it because I'm miserable?  Am I a miserable person?  I try soooo hard not to be but I bust at the seams sometimes and it's on.  I try not to fight, but my temper shoots through the roof and I just yell and scream and cuss.  Somedays I just want to get a baseball bat and just hit the shit out of something. For real.  I think about it all the time.  Last year I was put on BP medicine after having severe migraines and vertigo.  I think Ben hoped I had brain cancer too so he wasn't alone.  I was scared but the pills have helped, but I know some days my BP is so far gone!  It reminds me of my mother who I lived my entire life getting screamed at and taking it all. I'm now that for my daughter. Sadly. Guilt again.  I on the other hand do have good times with her too to make up.  We are so much alike though.  lol sadly :( and goodly :)  hahaha So now dinner is done, everyone goes to their hideouts for the night, normal.  WTH is that anymore? If I don't say hey you wanna do this or that nothing or noone asks me to do a damn thing with them.  When I get upset cuz Ben and I 's relationship has dwindled he is like well I want to go fishing with ya.  LOL Um ok yep, knowing I don't fish or like to fish, I've gone a milliion times and have NEVER liked it!  I love being outside and taking photographs or reading or picnicing.  I don't know.  I want to be like we don't know how much "good time" we have together I should make the best of this.  But I'm not that way.  I want more than just me kissing his ass. I've been doing that for a long time and at my age, I want more.  so I'm doing more for myself, but I know deep down, I'm not happy and things aren't going to change until I am.  Some times I feel like I can do this.  Others I want to give up and run and hide.  I wish Ben was mean or would kick me out of his house and hate me...it would be easier.  I don't want to lose everything I have we've worked so hard to build our life together, but I don't have much fight in me anymore.  I am teetering on not having an f'n clue what to do.  I don't think anyone can help me.  I am not open to it anyway.  I  need to start painting again. I dont' drink or smoke...or relieve stress much. I want to do more outside and exercise.  I'd love to be physically healthy...I've given up on me so much. 
Today, my mom's client passed away.  She's a caregiver.  The lady was younger than my mom and mostly had pain issues, but wasn't unhealthy.  She had basically given up on herself years ago years ago!  She was adicted to pain meds.  And they killed her.  They destroyed her body.  Sadly now my mom lost a friend and her full time job.  I am scared for her and hope she can find a new job so she doesn't have to move into a crap subsidized apts.  They are awful...she lived there before.  :(  A prime example of someone who gave up on themselves and life. 
I'm not strong mentally. If I didn't have Willow I'd be so far gone right now.  :/  She is my saving grace.  Ben inspires me, his strength, but he isn't strong, he hides he stuffs it down...it's so surreal.  I'm so tired of thinking of cancer or how Ben is feeling or what is going to happen next, I'm so tired  of worrying about it all.  I am burnt out. I need a break from cancer awareness and adovacacy...terrible I know but while it's now a passion it's so exhausting  THIs is my life not jsut words I say or type.  If you haven't walked down this f'n cancer road you have NO idea.  I'm 33 and I have no future. I used to daydream or wish or look forward to my older ages.  Now I see blackness, emptiness, space.  If I want to make a goal it gets smooshed or destroyed by reality.  That is my life.  I'm being more honest here than I can be in life.  Who would I say this too that wouldn't judge me down to an inch.  Yes I'm horrible.  I'm not a saint.  I hate my life now.  I hate it.  I have to force myself to take this on, like a kid eatting veggies.  I hate it, it's good for me to push through the hard stuff even though all I want to do is give up.  Ben has said very few things about this ordeal.  That have stuck with me especiallly. 

He isn't giving up or letting cancer beat him or take him down.
He wants to give up sometimes, it gets tough.
He is more worried about how I and his daughter will live after he's gone.
Why him?

Living a life of purpose is one of the most difficult things I feel.  I'm exhausted. My mask is growing thinner by the days.

Sometimes I miss my old life

Some days I really miss my old life.  I try extremely hard to not resort to that though.  It's backwards thinking that will put me right back in depression, where I don't want to be!  So just for a moment I'm wanting to remember then I'll move on after this post!  


My life before cancer.  Let's see.  A normal day would consist of getting my daughter up, eating breakfast together, studying for spelling or whatever she might have been doing that day for school...I'd quiz her, it was fun, then off she'd go to school.  I'd do my chores, and then whatever the hell I wanted with NO judgement or feeling guilty.  That was MY time.  I would do anything or nothing!  Then Willow would be home, I would help with homework, make dinner, then Ben would be home.  He would come in all greasy from working on semi trucks all day long.  He'd take a shower, getting everything black.  We'd eat dinner together.  He was never a big talker but we had some things to talk about some times.  He would probably then watch tv or go out in the garage and mess around.  I miss that.  I miss seeing him in his greasy clothes all dirty from work.  I was so proud of him.  He worked so hard for us for years.  He is so smart and knows his job.  Responsible to the t.  I miss my alone time.  I miss him having things to talk about.  I miss our daughter being happy.  I miss the house being alive not just surviving like now.  We moved into seperate rooms last September.  While we sleep better, it makes me sad.  I miss snuggling.  I miss him so much.  And he's just in the other room.  All day every day.  Sleeping alot.  If it's the meds or everything he's been through I'm not sure, depression? Boredom?  Not sure.  But I sure miss him so much it hurts.  


Daughter's home now.  Put on my mask now.  


Thanks for reading.

My 1st Diaper Cake! 7/11

So Happy that we have a new baby coming into the family and I got my first shot at making a diaper cake. My mother in law went in halves and we spend around $60 total. For one I got Pampers Limited Edition with the polka dots and flowers on them in green/pink designs soooo cute! I started out with a 14" cake round from Walmart, cheap! Then I got like 72ish diapers. Rolled them and used small rubber bands around them all! I used a larger rubberband to hold them together and just kept tucking them in the make the "right" size tiers I wanted. I stacked them up, nothing is holding them next time I will use those small woooden dowls a few stuck down in the center of the entire thing so it's easier to transport! We then found super cute ribbon at Walmart again all I did was pinned them together to cover the rubberbands. We then bought whatever we wanted to add to it, cute rings, rattles/teethers, small bath stuff, toys, spoons. We actually bought too much that I couldn't fit on to it....doesn't take much for it to fill up! I stuck it in my front seat and drove 30 minutes away and nothing moved so it was awesome! I love how it turned out! I can see now why people charge so much for them. Baby stuff is sooo expensive. Unless you bought cheaper diapers which I would never do! Maybe finding stuff on clearance to fill them and ribbon will last several cakes! Anyways overall I do love it and I can't wait to make another! :) Good luck on yours!

Ben's 33rd 50s/rockabilly birthday party! May 2011

Recently I've been obsessed with rockabilly themed everything sooo when Ben's 33rd birthday came around he inspired me to do a photo shoot and revolve the whole party around him! As it should be on anyone's special day! So I started with dressing Ben in what he has that is similar to 1950s ISH or rockabillyISH style: pictures Ben on his motorcycle that he built btw and with his newest yard sale steal guitar!

Then I used PAINT to make up an invite flyer, one of my fav things to do, I just printed off several things and then arranged them with tape on a copy paper then made copies!

I found this amazing site with retro partyware that I loved!!! retroplanet.com I ordered a few of the record looking plates and napkins. I then went to Party City and found matching plain colored plates: cheaper and looks great too. I also picked up teal/black plasticware. I then grabbed a few rock n roll party decor' items to get in that rockabilly theme...banner, guitar, black with music notes, blue with stars balloons, 50's table cloth/rock table cloth. I then found great little table toppers 50s style from ebay for next to nothing. Also a photo prop of a convertable for your guests to take photos with FUN! Also for music, Ben had his Zune playing rockabilly music and I in the house had the computer set on Pandora.com for rockabilly station(they have everything)! Music is sooo important!

We had burgers on the grill of course, I set up tables out side and games for the kids & adults to play: bag toss, hillbilly golf, badminton, things such as these...For the menu I asked everyone to bring a side, why not? We offered burgers/hotdogs, rootbeer and orange crush floats...and of course CAKE! I ordered, didn't have time or energy to bake anything this year whaa but this girl straight outta walmart that I adore made us a cupcake cake shaped like a guitar and a checked cake also! Very simple but cute.

I did ask everyone to dress up in 50s themed outfits, that was supposed to be a great idea! :) Not alot of participation on that one though! I'll get em next time!

CRAFT: got some old records from a used store, found this great idea about putting them in the oven over a glass bowl at 200' and pulled it out and molded it into a beautiful bowl.

Overall I think everyone had fun. IT's important to me to have ambiance, good food, music, fun and games...good conversation equals great memories! I loved this theme of 1950's rockabilly!

                                 *thanks for reading*

Valentine's day on the cheap!

Valentine's day on the cheap!

Love is in the air, the big day is in 13 days. What does it mean to me? I love it! It's a time to show those we love that we do indeed love them and appreciate them. I don't believe it has to be a bought gift. I for one love a homecooked meal and dishes done. Since my beloved is sick now, and can't drive to the store to buy any store bought gifts, I hope he will get creative. I thought what a great idea to really dig deep and make something!

Anyone can make a homemade card! I like to print off vintage valentine's and attach them to card stock...add glitter glue and your very own words straight from your heart! whala LOVE

$ trees or stores are perfect to grab a little basket, a few little trinkets or activities that your valentine will LOVE! Heart themed candy, stickers, movies, games, anything! Add a card or valentine!

I like to start out the day with pink heart shaped pancakes with the face made from valentine m&ms. My daughter, Willow's fav.

I also adore using the pillsbury holiday themed cake mix to make my fav cake cookies! A great way to spend time with the one you love BAKING!

We will also sit down and spend time making homemade decor', ya that stuff at Target is darling! But making your own is way more special. You can make red/pink/white paper chains: just cut strips of paper and make a loop with either tapes or a stapler and continue until you have as long as you like, hang wherever! Make posters of loving scenes and wording. LOVE! Cut out hearts and hang them in the windows so you can share the love with neighbors. construction paper, scissors, glue, glitter glue whala total craft time and lots of fun and love!

Just doing anything to help someone you love out so they have a better day is what it's all about, a small note on the mirror in the bathroom saying I LOVE YOU. Stick a sweet with a note attached and stick in a lunch box. If you wanna get naughty with the one you love put a suggestive note in there too...might make for an interesting night.

Breakfast in bed always a hit! Make it themed up and put your card on a tray. If you dont' have a tray, get a cookie sheet and put a towel over it! whala fancy tray!

Just important to think of why we celebrate holidays of course it'd be nice to do any of these things for the ones we love. But since most of us let time fly by and dont' take a second to stop...it's nice to have a reminder of HEY it's that day we are certain to make sure we tell that one person in our lives or if we are lucky many people in our lives anyone how much we love them and how much they mean to us.

I met my husband when we were 15/16 in High School. From the first moment Ben was a romantic...I as well. He was such a sweetheart that on our very first Valentine's Day in 1995 he got me the traditional giant stuffed bear, with a rose, and a box of chocolates. Then he or his mom? lol Set up a table in their basement with candles, he cooked spaghetti and even made a salad and dessert. You know he could have bought me a 100 necklace but that dinner was the most special thing he could have ever done for me. To have someone take their time and do be so thoughtful that to me is what Valentine's Day is all about.

Thank you all more to come from this Happy Homemamma!

Happy Valentine's Day! LOVE!