Ben's 33rd 50s/rockabilly birthday party! May 2011

Recently I've been obsessed with rockabilly themed everything sooo when Ben's 33rd birthday came around he inspired me to do a photo shoot and revolve the whole party around him! As it should be on anyone's special day! So I started with dressing Ben in what he has that is similar to 1950s ISH or rockabillyISH style: pictures Ben on his motorcycle that he built btw and with his newest yard sale steal guitar!

Then I used PAINT to make up an invite flyer, one of my fav things to do, I just printed off several things and then arranged them with tape on a copy paper then made copies!

I found this amazing site with retro partyware that I loved!!! retroplanet.com I ordered a few of the record looking plates and napkins. I then went to Party City and found matching plain colored plates: cheaper and looks great too. I also picked up teal/black plasticware. I then grabbed a few rock n roll party decor' items to get in that rockabilly theme...banner, guitar, black with music notes, blue with stars balloons, 50's table cloth/rock table cloth. I then found great little table toppers 50s style from ebay for next to nothing. Also a photo prop of a convertable for your guests to take photos with FUN! Also for music, Ben had his Zune playing rockabilly music and I in the house had the computer set on Pandora.com for rockabilly station(they have everything)! Music is sooo important!

We had burgers on the grill of course, I set up tables out side and games for the kids & adults to play: bag toss, hillbilly golf, badminton, things such as these...For the menu I asked everyone to bring a side, why not? We offered burgers/hotdogs, rootbeer and orange crush floats...and of course CAKE! I ordered, didn't have time or energy to bake anything this year whaa but this girl straight outta walmart that I adore made us a cupcake cake shaped like a guitar and a checked cake also! Very simple but cute.

I did ask everyone to dress up in 50s themed outfits, that was supposed to be a great idea! :) Not alot of participation on that one though! I'll get em next time!

CRAFT: got some old records from a used store, found this great idea about putting them in the oven over a glass bowl at 200' and pulled it out and molded it into a beautiful bowl.

Overall I think everyone had fun. IT's important to me to have ambiance, good food, music, fun and games...good conversation equals great memories! I loved this theme of 1950's rockabilly!

                                 *thanks for reading*

Valentine's day on the cheap!

Valentine's day on the cheap!

Love is in the air, the big day is in 13 days. What does it mean to me? I love it! It's a time to show those we love that we do indeed love them and appreciate them. I don't believe it has to be a bought gift. I for one love a homecooked meal and dishes done. Since my beloved is sick now, and can't drive to the store to buy any store bought gifts, I hope he will get creative. I thought what a great idea to really dig deep and make something!

Anyone can make a homemade card! I like to print off vintage valentine's and attach them to card stock...add glitter glue and your very own words straight from your heart! whala LOVE

$ trees or stores are perfect to grab a little basket, a few little trinkets or activities that your valentine will LOVE! Heart themed candy, stickers, movies, games, anything! Add a card or valentine!

I like to start out the day with pink heart shaped pancakes with the face made from valentine m&ms. My daughter, Willow's fav.

I also adore using the pillsbury holiday themed cake mix to make my fav cake cookies! A great way to spend time with the one you love BAKING!

We will also sit down and spend time making homemade decor', ya that stuff at Target is darling! But making your own is way more special. You can make red/pink/white paper chains: just cut strips of paper and make a loop with either tapes or a stapler and continue until you have as long as you like, hang wherever! Make posters of loving scenes and wording. LOVE! Cut out hearts and hang them in the windows so you can share the love with neighbors. construction paper, scissors, glue, glitter glue whala total craft time and lots of fun and love!

Just doing anything to help someone you love out so they have a better day is what it's all about, a small note on the mirror in the bathroom saying I LOVE YOU. Stick a sweet with a note attached and stick in a lunch box. If you wanna get naughty with the one you love put a suggestive note in there too...might make for an interesting night.

Breakfast in bed always a hit! Make it themed up and put your card on a tray. If you dont' have a tray, get a cookie sheet and put a towel over it! whala fancy tray!

Just important to think of why we celebrate holidays of course it'd be nice to do any of these things for the ones we love. But since most of us let time fly by and dont' take a second to stop...it's nice to have a reminder of HEY it's that day we are certain to make sure we tell that one person in our lives or if we are lucky many people in our lives anyone how much we love them and how much they mean to us.

I met my husband when we were 15/16 in High School. From the first moment Ben was a romantic...I as well. He was such a sweetheart that on our very first Valentine's Day in 1995 he got me the traditional giant stuffed bear, with a rose, and a box of chocolates. Then he or his mom? lol Set up a table in their basement with candles, he cooked spaghetti and even made a salad and dessert. You know he could have bought me a 100 necklace but that dinner was the most special thing he could have ever done for me. To have someone take their time and do be so thoughtful that to me is what Valentine's Day is all about.

Thank you all more to come from this Happy Homemamma!

Happy Valentine's Day! LOVE!

this longest year

So we are in a new year. Many things have happened in a very short time. Ben has gone through hell and back not by choice...or ours. It's been hard on everyone involved. Cancer takes so much. It is a fight. We are all survivors.

angry or is it sad...

SO it's been 1 month and 3 days since Ben's surgery. We've gone through seizures and changing of meds, an overnight EEG nothing from that. We have bowts of anxiety that keep life strained. Draining whatever.
Yesterday he had his monthly with his neurosurgeon...then referred to a Oncologist...which we went today. I'm trying to keep strong, to reach out when I need to. Only to feel very isolated and alone mostly. I put on this brave face. I keep going...giving meds making sure everyone is taken care of. Trying to put on this mask of normalcy. I'm not normal.
This is not ok with me. I'm watching my husband suffer. I can't do anything from that tumor to stop growing.
So he's going to do radiation M-F for 6 weeks or so. Nevermind the driving 30 minutes for a 15 minute appt...or the gas money we don't have. But to see him worrying I see it in his eyes. He's scared. So strong. He's so worried that it's going to take what little energy he has now. And what if something else happens or more seizures...although it should help with them. Seeing his MRIs for the first time today...wow. It's real. Ben has a tumor in his brain. They got what they could but it's in there still. It can grow deeper or wherever it wants to. As fast or as slow as it wants to.

When I met Ben I was 15...I've been with him longer than not, being 31 now...I don't know if people understand how deep this goes. He is my best friend. He is the ONLY person who has ever loved me. Or showed me unconditional love. He loves me. He makes me feel beautiful. He's laying in bed after brain surgery and he's worried about ME. lol that killed me. Seeing him after surgery killed me. It all came down on me like a ton of bricks. Basically I could lose him. How did this happen? Why did this have to happen to Ben to us? To Willow. ??? WHY?

Hope, Peace, and Love is all we have now. We don't have money to pay our bills. We don't have anything at all but each other which will have to do right?

sigh

I'm exhausted but can't sleep. I want to cry or scream or punch someone. But I'm numb. He is the most wonderful person I've ever known not just saying that he is such a great person...to watch him lose everything then fear he'll lose his mind or body functions...or to not know me or Willow...it's f'd up! It killsme. It kills me!

I know we aren't the only ones suffering from this bullshit. It's so hard. It's tough keeping up this strong FAKE brave face. I'm numb. I have to be. If I think about him or losing him I can't do this. I want to run. His greatest fear is for me to leave. And my greatest fear is losing him.

We made it through one week!

Somebody knock on wood. We made it one week without a seizure. GOD I hope this Keppra works for Ben. I couldn't sleep lastnight.

I put my daughter on the bus today...3rd grade adventures...

We kinda had a bad night the other night. Ben's been emotional of course he is, finding out you have a brain tumor isn't something you do everyday. So he ended up frustrated with willow...she didn't really know how serious things are...so he told her. He told her as much as we know. I'm not sure how to handle any of this, she's 8. But if we didn't tell her and something happens to him would she have been mad if she didn't know anything? Or more of a shock. The only thing she said was that she was said cuz who would take her fishing or teach her guitar. She cried a lot. I'm sure it's extremely hard for her to understand. It only sets in with me here and there...I'll be ok and then BAM hits me...I feel like I'm going to pass out and then I bawl.

I feel like I've cried all my tears out. I know that can't be!

Getting a handle on the seizures is a huge deal. He's taking Dilantin and Keppra. The Dilantin isn't working and I guess to cover him they start the new med overlapping the old one and tomorrow he gets his blood checked. And eventually in a month he'll go off the Dilantin. And hopefully the Keppra works. Not one is it scary if he hurts himself...by falling or whatever...but is it going to do any brain damage? Or anything else inside him? It's so scary and I'm the only person who's seen him the two times. Someone who was perfectly healthly one minute to have a seizure ... seems impossible. Seems surreal. I have only left him here and there for like 5 minutes to get our mail...damn small town PO Box bull! I tell him to lay down and not move! And I fly!!! I hate leaving him...and if I want to do anything else I have to find someone to sit with him. I dont know what else to do. He has maybe a few seconds of feeling sick and then BAM! The scariest thing I've ever seen! Too much reality!

I feel like I must grow up and take care of my husband. No happiness is coming from any of this. I'm getting more stressed out about the mountain of bills coming our way...we've already gotten 11,000 worth and that's not even the start! bleh!!! We don't have insurance. We have enough money to live for one month...thanks to his vacation time and friends/family helping us. I'm so getting worried. His medicine alone is so expensive. No insurance sucks. I applied for a med card for him right after his stay the first time it's been a couple weeks and then I did again with my case worker. Someone please send us something! Now waiting for a link card to feed my family. How did all this happen? HOW? We were getting our stuff together and almost happy for a week!

You want to think none of this matters keeping him healthy and alive is what we need to do. But I'm trying to balance and keep things together and I am not sure how much I have in me to get it done. If we didn't have Wil to take care of well...we do soo. Things would be way different. Life goes on...school...activities...

Picking what is most important is still not an easy thing to do. Keeping Ben happy is harder by the minute. If he's not feeling good he's feeling depressed. and bored. We have to wait until sept. 14th...to see the Dr. then probably get referred at that time. LOTS of waiting and we are not patient people. Trying though!

I feel bad for Mae, his mom...she works at a cancer center in the office. And has to go back to work today. After dealing with her son's brain cancer for two weeks now. How is she doing it? I am not sure! I feel for her!

I am hoping for a good day. We get to meet Wil's teacher tonight and Willow is going to help with the girl scout's table recruiting girls! lol I hope they get some!!! :)

This is where the wedding vows get real.

Everyone gets to go home at the end of the day and deal with their issues or life. We go home and it's back to pills and not sleeping through the night. Does anyone know what it really means to be there for someone through it all? This is the most selfless I've ever been. Since August 7th, I've done nothing but cared for my husband and daughter. Nothing new really but I haven't even thought about anything else. I'm in autopilot mode. I'm doing what I should be doing. I love Ben.

Yesterday was our first day out after surgery. We went into town where most of our family lives. I was nervous at how people would act towards all of us but mostly Ben. They saved us a close parking spot at the park that was nice. He started out ok. I forgot a chair...bad caregiver...so he sat at a picnic table for awhile. Everyone talked to him. Everyone asked me how he was really doing. I felt mad and wanted to say How would u feel if you had brain cancer? Dumb question..oh he's fine just great.

So while standing around worrying about him I couldn't have any kind of good normal time. His color starting fading and I looked at him for the first time and thought he's sick. I can see it. He decided that he was going fishing with his brother and best friend. We had talked about it and I thought it was too soon. So in front of them I just said my part. Well I felt like shit. I said well if you go to your mom's take a nap get some food take your pills then you can go for like an hour. lol I'm 31 and he's 32 and now he's my child. I felt bad. So I was just talking it out with him. I don't want to keep him from what he loves to do. So that is how the night went. He had a good time caught some fish. And felt ok I guess.

I'm just a reminder of all that is bad.

I realized real quick. Everyone will get his good and I'll get his sick and feeling like crap and moody and grumpy and needing me for everything. I just figured out what my part is in all this. I have nobody to talk to really. Talking to him is just not good.

So now it's almost 8am and he's wiped out from yesterday still in bed. I got up and made him coffee and rolls...hoping for that same feeling ok he had last night.

He kinda was mean lastnight to Willow. She's upset worrying about xmas this year. Well normal 8 year old. She doesn't know the whole story. So it's not fair to get angry with her. Ben did. He got mad at her and then talked to her and told her he could be dying. Not sure if that was the best time or way for my 8 year old daughter to hear that. This is getting out of control.

She cried.

I didn't want this hanging over her head. I wanted to give her a normal life. A happy childhood. Even I her mother can't control all.

FRIG! I'm so angry.

We have the right puzzle pieces but they will never fit all the way. They never have. We feel in love in high school. We have been through some really tough times. Always feeling like this is right cuz we love each other so much. Things feel so comfortable and right.

Cancer is going to beat us. We can be positive and we can hope. For sure. Being positive the will for life people say goes a long way. Not sure right now if it's enough!

I've never experienced a loved one being ill or dying NEVER. Not up close. And now the only person I've ever loved or loved me is the ONE. I question my ability to deal witha ll this. I'm sliding down the slope and can't stop.

Everyday is waking up to this nightmare and wishing u could go back to sleep and start over again. How do people make it through this stuff? How can I keep my family together? Not sure I'm strong enough.

Life has changed as we know it and will never be the same!

On August 7th it was any normal Friday night. Ben got home from work at 4:40pm...I hadn't been feeling good, planning on getting this poisoned gallbladder out soon...I had been laying down and didn't fix dinner for the first time in forever!!! Ben worked on his mom's friends truck til late. Came in we talked a bit he crashed cuz he had to get up and work on Sat morning for OT. I woke up at 3am to him sitting up in bed, I thought he was going to get sick, and he said what's going on? And by time I put the light on, he had thrown his body off the bed and fell in between the bed and wall and starting seizing. I didn't know what to do, I was tired enough to NOT panic. I ran to the phone called 911.

He's 32, never had any health issues at all. Why was this happening?

I had them take him to our nearest hospital down the street. So scared and worried and in shock! He was out of it. The seizure had lasted quite awhile.

My mother in law was the next call. The police officer drove me to my daughter's friends house and she was safe until I found out what was going on.

I met my mother in law in the hospital...they had NO clue what had happened. By then he had woken up and kept repeating himself wow what happened? I was so scared.

He then got a scan of his head. They told us there is something there but didn't know what. He needed to be transferred to a bigger hospital for an MRI. So that is what we did. Thankfully my brother drove up 30 minutes got Willow, our daughter and between his family and my mom they watched her for us. We went to the big hospital. They put him on seizure med called "Dilantin". So far in shock so it hadn't hit me yet.

LONG time waiting on Dr.s and tests...all was ok...except they told us he has a brain tumor. A WHAT???? WHAT? WHAT? I felt like someone hit me over the head. I started bawling. Ben froze. His mom, works at a Cancer center...knowing too much...she started to cry. The Dr. told us he needed surgery right away...if he didn't he might have a year to live. It was in his right temple region in his brain and it went in deep. So if he was careful he'd get the more aggressive part out and do what he could. But the biggest risk is he could be paralyzed on his left side. Where it is, it wouldn't affect many things cuz those are on the other side of his head. I knew there were many more bad risks but you can't drive yourself crazy.

You don't know the right questions to ask. You can't process or have time to if you could. I didn't want to upset Ben so I didn't ask him a bunch. We knew what needed done...he came home and we had a "normal" night with our daughter. Hoping he'd wake up and know us. We went in to the hospital at 4:30am...surgery was at 8, 6 hours later...he was out...and in critical care unit. Very strict rules to visit...I couldn't stay in his room.

When we finally got to see him he was sitting in his bed. He looked normal. Besides a large 8 inch cut on the side of his head and many staples. He moved around very much in pain and confused. Sick. He looked at me and said Autumn, see I know who you are. He said hi to his mom. He acted so normal. He was him. While I felt relieved...I felt that same rush hit on the head feeling and I had to sit down...it hit me like a ton of bricks. I had to leave the room. I went down to the bathroom and a weeks worth of pain and fear poured out of me. I cried so hard. I felt at that moment I can't do this. I can't lose him. I can't. I had a bad panic attack.

I called my mom and let it out. I love him so much. I've loved him for 16 years half my life. We had plans. We just had a horrible year of unemployment and losing everything and starting over and getting on our feet we were happy for a short while. and now this.

In shock. So scared. Everyone has rallied behind us...and is helping us. He can't work so we are in NO income zone. We have NO insurance...no money. If shock and denial didn't exist for us we'd have lost our minds.

So now he's healing. He's uncomfortable...in pain...sick. Had another seizure days later after his surgery and now has a new and very expensive medicine...on top of the others. The pain med doesn't take it all away. I can't sleep or leave him alone so afraid he'll have another seizure...and hurt himself or wake up someone else.

Living a nightmare...everything is not the same.

I love this man and can't even describe how I feel to see him go through this...and we are just beginning! I want him to live a long life but I know deep down...