April 14 2013

Life has been going on since my last post. It's been awhile I guess. I think I'm in a better place than I was a few months ago.

Things have been pretty quiet.

I woke up this morning thinking about writing that book, well getting it started anyways.

1st Came Love, Then Came Married, Then Came Brain Cancer?
I like it...

Going to update here.

We are in a decent place right now. Ben just had his 10th chemo treatment. The plan was 12/12 months so we don't know yet what will be the plan afterwards. We will see probably at his next appt and the end of this month. He has an MRI too. They have been clear. It's a good thing but it's almost impossible to not be nervous. Because we know how this works now. Or think we do until something happens we don't know about. We had this moment when I got sick last month and Ben was caring for me. We rebonded. He was really here for me. And he tried really hard to take care of everything on top of his own treatment etc. It was a touch week or so. But it woke me up. I had felt so alone and not married at all like he was gone already. But after all that happened it was a slap that I needed HE IS HERE. I need to work on remembering how tough this is for him. And not give up on pushing him to just participate in our life. Even when I want to give up because I do get really sad and a whole lot of other feelings that go up and down and all around.

I did start seeing a counselor. She is good. I only go about once a month, for gas money reasons and that I find it very exhausting. Not really the person to talk about themselves for an hour at a time. It feels odd. I've worked through some stuff. I do feel like stressed. The bad icky feelings come and go and don't stay as long as they did because I deal with it and move on. Trying to focus on staying  strong mentally. To be grown up. To reflect and not react. 

Which brings me to all the conflicting feelings I'm having about volunteering lately. There was a point in time that I took on alot to purposely be busy and not just be existing. I'm still in school but one class. I am still home schooling Willow which is going well. Besides the normal which I am finding out is normal resistance coming from Miss willowobee. But we are spending a lot of time together that we wouldn't have normally if she was in school. We are considering our/her options for 6th grade. It has been hard for her to make a friend and that is a concern for us both. She is lonesome. But we will figure it out. And I am still selling 31. Many people support me and got it going really fast. As we are winding down the spring catalog things are slow. But to be expected I need to find new customers. Today I'm actually going to a meeting to see new summer line. Excited they give free stuff too that is the best part! :)

So we are thinking that we might want to move back to where we moved from, where I grew up. I never wanted to. But there is something to spending more time with family that is good for us all. When I spend time with my family and friends and it's a good time I want more of that time. Ben would be closer and less driving we did our pro con list. It's just getting there now. Sell our house, buy a new house, having enough money to live while doing it all. No stress at all. And this big c lurking over our heads at all times never know when that bomb will be dropped. Right now things have been quiet and good for awhile. Once Ben's chemo had ben taken down a dose he was handling it a lot better. Those first 6 or 7 months of it he lost a lot of time. He's always exhausted for sure. So we can't wait to live. 

I think I might thrive on chaos. lol Can't enjoy the peaceful moment let's make it more crazy. I joke about it what is that about?! I always want to be in constant motion...until I don't. 

But going to visit the blog more. Less fb it's not where I want to be. I visit for my business, volunteering, and a couple friends & family. But other than that ready to move on from that time sucker. 

Have to get moving on house chores today. It's Sunday. I remember when I used to love Sundays. It was the only day Ben didn't jump up early and leave for work so we would lay in bed and I usually talked lol it was our only real time together. And I would love it. Make breakfast and just hang out. :) There is something about a normal boring life that I would give anything to have back! Now is almost like floating around just waiting for bad things to happen so we can get through them. Well that is how I feel. Not sure how Ben or Willow feels.

Realizing that life is good when you have something to look forward to this is a new revalation. If it's not babies or new careers or growing old together it can be other short term things. :)

Like Ben's 35th birthday; fishing theme(yes still planning and creating)
Family reunion
vacation to a new place

Gives me things to plan. Finishing up my first year of college. Not sure what I'm doing next semester right now. :/ Cleaning up the house to sell. Look for a new house. Oh yeah pack the whole house. On top of Ben finishing up chemo we hope. Willow finishing 5th grade. Our dog and kitties are healthy and happy and we love em too. Full house full of love.

This is life with brain cancer.

Monday it is a new day

Long ass week last week! Can't believe I made it through alive. But here I sit. Spent a lot of time with others and strangers. My mind needs a break. I need to relax. I dream of a hot tub and candle light soft music etc. :)

I need a girl's trip!

I just started selling Thirty-One. I sold AVON in the past and I found that the company sells to the consultant more than customers. lol Well they are smart! Cuz that shit is cute. And if we do this or that we get deals or freebies>"feebies". Nothing is free. But going into it with the idea if I sell I could make some cash. That appeals to me. I need some of that cash! I'd rather have cash and do work knowing I"m going to get it too! 

We live off of SS disability since 2011. Brain cancer u can suck it! Ruining our life that way. Lots of people have cancer and work. Ben was/is a diesel mechanic...so the posibility of a seizure. He can't drive here and there on and off so yeah that job or career was over the day he had his first seizure. He can still mentally do it. But after 6 months of short term disability they let him go, by letter btw thought that  was nice. lol But we were thankful they did donated to us to help us out. So that was awesome. 

But now we live at the rate of an average of what he made from age 16-32...which we were always striving for that more money career thing. He got it once and got laid off. Thank you shitty economic system of ours. That was devastating. It was like since then shit has just kept sliding down that shitty slide of life. down down down

It's really hard to talk about our life and not sound like a Debbie Downer! ya know! Seriously I find myself annoying myself that is bad. But I think I've just gotten sick of pretending I'm not sad or mad! I am. I'm embracing it. 

Watching people around me in their different lives..knowing whatever they choose to show us. It's very interesting to me. 

So let's try this honestly what is great about my life:

Friends
Daughter
I supposed husband :P at times...miss him so much tho
College
Home school is very rewarding!/challenging
my pets make me happy


I need a DRAMA free zone. Who the hell bugs a sick person with stupid shit? Who does that?! Uncaring people. Selfish annoying people. More worried about how things affect them and don't even consider that the other person is going through something right now that you couldn't understand at all ever! :(

I swear I was just saying not that I'm a violent person but I miss the days that you could get into a good old fashioned fist fight and not worry about getting arrested for battery! lol :P

There are people in this world that need a punch in the face!

Maybe I am having anger issues LOL oh friggin well. I'll work on it!

So we have to get ready to go to Ben's Dr appt for his chemo. They do labs and then if they are okay he'll get chemo to stop the tumor in his brain from growing, even I can't wrap my mind around this bullshit! It's not normal. And it does suck. 

Gotta go.            

My list as of right now

Whether or not it's the Holiday stuff or what. But this is my list right now. And I'm hoping to figure out how to de-stress! haha

Today: Executing a double bday party for two 8 year old girls. I'm all ready to go just have to pick up cake and finish up putting things out. 
Peeling pototoes for Hopedale Helps for their soup lunch tomorrow(fundraiser for families fighting cancer) (www.facebook.com/hopedalehelpsacs)

Tomorrow:HH soup Lunch (made and need to make more corn muffins, helping set up and serve)
Then off to my very first Thirty-One Spring Premiere. Kind of excited about this. Part of me wants to dive right in and sell sell sell. Another part of me wants to be laidback and do what I will when I will. :P I only have to sell 200 every 3 months to remain active. So that shouldn't be an issue. I'm hoping to make some extra money with it all. ? We will see.

Monday: Ben has an appt with his oncologist/NP for his monthly LABS & chemo. bleh
Figuring out Willow's lessons for the week(probably should do this on Sunday)

Rest of week: Final for my one class, return books and get new ones! :) Excited to have a break, I couldn't imagine going full time! 
Dr. appt with Cardio about my maybe White Wolf Parkinson syndrome(my heart beats fast)
Getting Wil's haircut
Friends bday gift
baking for HH bake sale 

Neverending. I feel stressed and need a break but the days fly by.

I have a referral with a counselor. Partly ready to go another part is worried that we won't click. :/ I don't know if I could feel comfortable enough to really be honest. :( That would truly be nice. 

So this is my one week in time. Making the most of it as well as driving myself crazy! haha      



 
 

new page

turning a new page today. I've been obsessed with fb. I use it to it's fullest. As well as living on it talking with people. It takes over my life. today a few things happened where I questioned what am I doing?!

so if I need to vent I'm venting here now and on my husband's caring bridge page. focusing on my real life!

It's been awhile

Life always seems to change drastically. Nothing small or minute around here. lol That last post was in June 2012. Well long story short!

Ben starting having seizures again. They found patches, new ones from the 6 Month MRI, his first btw. And BAM! a month  later it grew quite a bit. They were saying around an inch. So they were saying surgery, again. It hadn't been two years from the first one. Nevermind radiation. So we went on vacation to WI, had a great time. Ben was enduring small seizures the whole time, daily. He pushed through and went fishing, we had lots of family time together, great memories.

We came home and got ready for surgery it got moved up a week on us and July 5th, 2nd surgery. They got what they could. The path came back more agressive dealing with Grade 3 now, and he's been on chemo since.

Things have changed quite a bit since all of that. He's healed from surgery. THankfully he didn't experience any bad bad side effects. Mentally he's kicked down a bit. We all are.

I update  his caring bridge page and on fb but not here...

I did start school. Business that has been a ride. It's crazy how much I can do in my free time. I have been volunteering as well...that makes things better!

Not between Ben and I though. :/ Things are hard.

He's really depressed. I'm now taking meds galore to keep my sanity and need to get on my health more. 

Spending time with Willow...that makes me happy now. Getting together with friends helps a lot too.

I let days fly by

Hm I let days fly by.


Some days I say cleaning and laundry are things I have to do but not need to do.  haha 


Then when I realize how dirty my house is and how no one has clean clothes I feel guilty.


So I waste an entire day cleaning and doing laundry.


Thinking to myself I don't need any of this shit.


I could have 3 outfits and 3 undies and I'd be alright.


haha


I need my computer and music and food


nothing else


no one else


well


I'm so empty right  now.


Waiting on this and that...controlling anxiety lurking right beneath the surface, shhh don't tell me I said so though.  Denial...misspelled every time.


I'm eating to make myself feel better 30lbs later I know it'll fall right off again when Ben goes through this next battle.


No biggie cuz I don't care what I look like.  I wish I could care enough about my health...but I can't right now.  


Tired of being up on my high horse...need a break.


Can't wait for vacation hope I can rise above the crazy and have peace and fun!  I need to do drugs lol  :P


Honestly


seriously


wishful thinking


I've never been a drinker or one for drugs.  


Do they really have fun?  


I can't release though so that could help with that...lol  


oh well it is me


I'm at peace by water and quiet with some music


filling my mp3 this week


can't wait for the river and jacuzzi


ahhh


getting away from it all


taking it with us though


how do you really forget things?


I hope MNL can relax and let go a bit...so Ben isn't driven nuts!  


I wait for the other shoe to drop she waiting and expecting the other anvil to drop


this next week we get seriously scary MRI results.  can't control what already is so not worrying today


so I tell myself


over and over again


he went shooting all day today, he's really nervous this time.


decidely so


Listening to Nirvana makes me remember being younger.  :)

no good title

I guess one you feel like you are alone and you've never had anyone to count on before you just begin at some point I can't say when, but you can't trust anyone.  I was let down so many times growing up that I became just that.  Probably why I'm so uptight or stressed out or anxiety ridden.  I've never asked for help...when I did it was truly one of the hardest things I probably have done.  I never want to be let down again.


Then Ben came along and it took years for me to trust him fully.  And then I relied on him even scarier. He proved me wrong every time, he proved to me that people can be loving & caring & loyal & trustworthy.  Sometimes I question my naivesss...like no way no one is this good.  No one!  But to this day he's not proven me right.  


I don't naturally trust people in my life.  I would rather be alone and deal alone.  And work through things like this without their opinions or their feelings that will over shadow we were talking about. I guess being brought up by a very selfish human being my mother...I never felt like I mattered.  My opinion my feelings myself.  If I knew one thing it was people hurt you, especially people who should love you, hurt you.  When they are trying their hardest and giving all they can it won't ever be enough.  Maybe I'm not easy to love.  


I don't like to be close to people.  I like friends online and far away family.  It's not real.  It is real but just not in your face real.  


I can crawl in my hole whenever I like.  I can walk away from the computer and not justify myself or feel bad or feel anything.


In life, I've done a great job of letting people see what I want. I believe everyone is like this.  As soon as I open up I regret it. I become vulnerable. I cannot do this shit. People friends any of it.  


I cannot do this.  


I don't want to.


No one's opinion matters.  


I never said I was a good person.  But I do believe that most of the time I try to be.  Why do I feel badly if people have opinions of me that might not be true. Who cares?  I have my friends. I like my friends.


Today I dreamt of driving around the US meeting all my online friends.  How would that be? Just lunch or dinner or just hanging out, nothing huge, no huge commitments. I could be a rolling stone never ever staying too long!  :/  That's what I want.  


I could run forever...until I could no longer run!