Hm I let days fly by.
Some days I say cleaning and laundry are things I have to do but not need to do. haha
Then when I realize how dirty my house is and how no one has clean clothes I feel guilty.
So I waste an entire day cleaning and doing laundry.
Thinking to myself I don't need any of this shit.
I could have 3 outfits and 3 undies and I'd be alright.
haha
I need my computer and music and food
nothing else
no one else
well
I'm so empty right now.
Waiting on this and that...controlling anxiety lurking right beneath the surface, shhh don't tell me I said so though. Denial...misspelled every time.
I'm eating to make myself feel better 30lbs later I know it'll fall right off again when Ben goes through this next battle.
No biggie cuz I don't care what I look like. I wish I could care enough about my health...but I can't right now.
Tired of being up on my high horse...need a break.
Can't wait for vacation hope I can rise above the crazy and have peace and fun! I need to do drugs lol :P
Honestly
seriously
wishful thinking
I've never been a drinker or one for drugs.
Do they really have fun?
I can't release though so that could help with that...lol
oh well it is me
I'm at peace by water and quiet with some music
filling my mp3 this week
can't wait for the river and jacuzzi
ahhh
getting away from it all
taking it with us though
how do you really forget things?
I hope MNL can relax and let go a bit...so Ben isn't driven nuts!
I wait for the other shoe to drop she waiting and expecting the other anvil to drop
this next week we get seriously scary MRI results. can't control what already is so not worrying today
so I tell myself
over and over again
he went shooting all day today, he's really nervous this time.
decidely so
Listening to Nirvana makes me remember being younger. :)
Friday, June 8, 2012
Sunday, June 3, 2012
no good title
I guess one you feel like you are alone and you've never had anyone to count on before you just begin at some point I can't say when, but you can't trust anyone. I was let down so many times growing up that I became just that. Probably why I'm so uptight or stressed out or anxiety ridden. I've never asked for help...when I did it was truly one of the hardest things I probably have done. I never want to be let down again.
Then Ben came along and it took years for me to trust him fully. And then I relied on him even scarier. He proved me wrong every time, he proved to me that people can be loving & caring & loyal & trustworthy. Sometimes I question my naivesss...like no way no one is this good. No one! But to this day he's not proven me right.
I don't naturally trust people in my life. I would rather be alone and deal alone. And work through things like this without their opinions or their feelings that will over shadow we were talking about. I guess being brought up by a very selfish human being my mother...I never felt like I mattered. My opinion my feelings myself. If I knew one thing it was people hurt you, especially people who should love you, hurt you. When they are trying their hardest and giving all they can it won't ever be enough. Maybe I'm not easy to love.
I don't like to be close to people. I like friends online and far away family. It's not real. It is real but just not in your face real.
I can crawl in my hole whenever I like. I can walk away from the computer and not justify myself or feel bad or feel anything.
In life, I've done a great job of letting people see what I want. I believe everyone is like this. As soon as I open up I regret it. I become vulnerable. I cannot do this shit. People friends any of it.
I cannot do this.
I don't want to.
No one's opinion matters.
I never said I was a good person. But I do believe that most of the time I try to be. Why do I feel badly if people have opinions of me that might not be true. Who cares? I have my friends. I like my friends.
Today I dreamt of driving around the US meeting all my online friends. How would that be? Just lunch or dinner or just hanging out, nothing huge, no huge commitments. I could be a rolling stone never ever staying too long! :/ That's what I want.
I could run forever...until I could no longer run!
Then Ben came along and it took years for me to trust him fully. And then I relied on him even scarier. He proved me wrong every time, he proved to me that people can be loving & caring & loyal & trustworthy. Sometimes I question my naivesss...like no way no one is this good. No one! But to this day he's not proven me right.
I don't naturally trust people in my life. I would rather be alone and deal alone. And work through things like this without their opinions or their feelings that will over shadow we were talking about. I guess being brought up by a very selfish human being my mother...I never felt like I mattered. My opinion my feelings myself. If I knew one thing it was people hurt you, especially people who should love you, hurt you. When they are trying their hardest and giving all they can it won't ever be enough. Maybe I'm not easy to love.
I don't like to be close to people. I like friends online and far away family. It's not real. It is real but just not in your face real.
I can crawl in my hole whenever I like. I can walk away from the computer and not justify myself or feel bad or feel anything.
In life, I've done a great job of letting people see what I want. I believe everyone is like this. As soon as I open up I regret it. I become vulnerable. I cannot do this shit. People friends any of it.
I cannot do this.
I don't want to.
No one's opinion matters.
I never said I was a good person. But I do believe that most of the time I try to be. Why do I feel badly if people have opinions of me that might not be true. Who cares? I have my friends. I like my friends.
Today I dreamt of driving around the US meeting all my online friends. How would that be? Just lunch or dinner or just hanging out, nothing huge, no huge commitments. I could be a rolling stone never ever staying too long! :/ That's what I want.
I could run forever...until I could no longer run!
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